Dear Alex:

You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But  “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.

“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-

– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.

Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.

Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?

“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship.

anita