Dear Anita,

I didn’t know that you spent 2-3 months straight with them every year. You say it felt uncomfortable, but it didn’t feel terrible? Those 2-3 months per year didn’t hurt your quest of “growing up- becoming adult” (title of your thread)? 

Well, it didn’t feel terrible.. I was working from home, very often in the garden and in my free time I was doing my workouts and spend a lot of time in the nature. I was be mostly on my own when I was there.  They live in a much bigger house now, where I finally have my own room and a separate entrance –  so in that respect I do get a lot more privacy. The worst part was the fact that we don’t really talk much when I’m there.. There isn’t that much to talk about.. so they watch a lot of tv and just go on with their day. I do my things.

Or perhaps the 2-3 months per year felt worse than uncomfortable, but you let the worse slide off from your awareness (just as you let the t slide off from the adult, in the title of your thread, lol)?

I mean… I don’t hate them. I might’ve hated them as a child but right now I don’t. Although they hurt me a lot while I was a child I right now understand that they themselves haven’t had healthy childhood experiences.. they also have been traumatised by their parents –  especially my mother. I don’t think they treated me right.. absolutely not.. but I see them. I know they didn’t want to hurt me and they acted upon their own fears and inability to do any better. They weren’t able to be nurturing parents for me because they haven’t been exposed to that themselves. Of course things would’ve been different if they did treat me differently. What if they themselves would’ve been treated better as children? They didn’t have access to the information I have now and they also didn’t have the opportunity or the courage to dig deeper / travel / spend time alone and introspect etc. Communist Romania wasn’t what you’d call the land of opportunity. They rushed out of their difficult childhoods into studies still under the communist regime where they were basically taught by frustrated teachers who took it out on them sometimes not only verbally.  Right after that they landed  jobs. ( in Communist Romania everyone had to work or they’d be imprisoned ). What’s left then? Getting married and having kids – like 99% of people there. And that’s what they did. They still work there now – nothing has changed.

They didn’t deal with any of the shit their parents had done to them. They must’ve blocked it all and got bottled up. They took it out on me – and had no idea where all that came from – and neither did I ( at least not until recently ).

Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not trying to defend them.. there is no point. But knowing these things and seeing them the way I do I find it hard to bock them completely. I still believe healing is possible, even if not completely. I do believe there are ways for us to heal and accept each other more. They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago, there are no more uncles, aunts, cousins who are in close contact with them. They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me. I see they are suffering on a daily basis..  my mother is stuck on her phone almost non stop scrolling social media – she’s heavily addicted. She cannot listen to more than 10 seconds of any of my stories without getting distracted and tuning out. At the end of my conversation there will usually be no reaction from her.. she just has no idea what I’ve said to her. There are also many physical conditions which are very severe.. which she doesn’t seem to want to improve. Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on. My father is a lot healthier physically and mentally- he also had a much ”lighter” version of the let’s call it communist childhood. Similarly he likes to scroll his phone too.. quite a lot. There is no day without alcohol ( not getting drunk but just lubricating his reality a little ), he like buying useless shit in hope to make himself feel better. He doesn’t. Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them. ( I know.. I don’t much competition do I :)) ? ) Maybe that is true.. or maybe not. Maybe they are not capable of loving me in an authentic way really. But you know what.. I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family.. as much as we can and know so far.

However, I think cutting them off financially speaking is an absolute must. Although it has been very difficult to break free from it I think this disconnection is needed in order to heal further and have a better relationship. 

Indeed, that means growing, adulting. Yes – an adult will be financially independent from his parents. Also I believe trying to understand and showing genuine interest in where they came from and what their experiences have been –  this as well is a sign of adulting ( at least in my book ). Having reached a point where I see things with more clarity and not only forgive but also be willing to compassionately understand instead of punishing. Shouldn’t this as well be a sign of adulting? I feel it it might be.

What words of disappointment and discouragement have they said to you during the 2-3 months you’ve spent with them in the last 4 years? How did you feel hearing them?

Well.. they would say all sorts of things to me. Some more supple some less. Very often they would criticise my old job and try to steer me towards a different career, even offered to pay for my studies ( if I decided a change of career ). They wanted me to make more money and ”have something more stable ”. Also trying to persuade me and my girlfriend into having kids or getting married. We never took these remarks seriously and didn’t give much energy to them. I guess sometimes u have to see things for that they are.

I think they would feel disappointed if I left Spain. While I lived in Poland they encouraged me to move back to Spain because I speak the language and It’ll be a lot easier to find work there ( here ). They would often point out that the fact I don’t speak polish makes things very difficult when finding a job. – which I agree. Also they don’t seem to realise that people work in English these days quite a lot.

Now.. about me going to Warsaw and from there to Romania. I don’t know. Ideally I would stay there. Since I haven’t managed to build a good financial foundation since I came here.. my savings will run out rather sooner than later. If I stayed there for long looking for work I would run out. That’s why going to Romania makes more sense financially, since I would spend a lot less money there –  but then again also traveling there will add some costs. It wouldn’t be my parents paying for my travels though. What I’d like to avoid is being in Warsaw with no source of income or savings – in case I don’t find work right away. This is still something I have to think of.

These days I keep questioning if leaving Alicante is actually the right thing to do or not.. I’m so tired, stressed and foggy lately and I don’t seem to know how to choose anymore.

I see you are pointing to me that my parents still have a big influence in my functioning . That’s true,  I haven’t ”adulted” as much as I’d like and it doesn’t feel great. I think I’m doing the best I can, the best I’ve learned so far. I might be doing it the wrong way.. maybe healing the past means cutting off everything. I haven’t come to that conclusion yet though. The more I learn – the more I see how little I understand. That’s ridiculous.

Thank you Anita,

Have a good day / night ahead!

Robi