Dear Laven:

“A lot of times I feel guilty for my feelings towards everything and also sharing. I feel like everything is always my fault and that I deserve everything. I feel embarrassed and humiliated for my feelings…and also my life experiences. I also feel like a bad person and feel like I shouldn’t feel the way that I do“- what you described here reads exactly like how I felt as far ago as I remember myself. I felt Guilty, with a capital G. Guilty for everything, just like you wrote, and I was very ashamed of my feelings and my life experiences. I still do, more than I would like, but I made great progress and more to be done.

It feels quite recently that I accept my emotions with little to no shame, and that I forgive myself for life experiences that I am not proud of, to say the least. I learned, finally, that I don’t choose my emotions, therefore, I carry no personal responsibility= no guilt for how I feel. Guilt applies to my words (spoken or typed) and actions when those are wrong. Not to my feelings.

“I feel terrible for always discussing the heartbreak I’ve felt in life, and am currently going through“- please discuss your heartbreak for as long as you would like to,, and at any length you choose.

“I’ve been minimized my whole life and I’ve learned very early in childhood that I shouldn’t prioritize myself, that everyone else comes first, and that my self, thoughts, feelings, problems, etc.… I’m not important, neither are the things I go through“- again, as I read this, it is as if I wrote it. Growing up with my mother who guilt- tripped me a whole lot (telling me at great lengths how I hurt her, how she’s so hurt  because of me), I believed that I was a bad daughter/ a bad person. No wonder I minimized something (myself) I believed to be bad, not worthy of having my own life. In my mind, she was good and she was the one who mattered; I was bad, and didn’t deserve to matter. So, I .. kind of lived her life, not mine

“I feel overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life... It’s disheartening and a struggle watching my foster mom deteriorate and suffer from depression… Even after how she’s always been towards me, it saddens me deeply to watch her struggle and suffer…“- I see that your empathy is with your foster mother, not with yourself. For the longest time, my empathy was with my mother, not with myself. Therefore, my life did not belong to me for the longest time. I let circumstances and other people determine what happened to me. I was Helpless (just like the title you chose for this thread, and with a capital H) in my own life, as in unable to make it better, unable to make my own choices for my own good. Guilty and Helpless, I too felt overwhelmed, directionless, and stressed with life.

I hope it gets better.

anita