Dear Robi:

“They live in a much bigger house now, where I finally have my own room and a separate entrance –  so in that respect I do get a lot more privacy… they watch a lot of tv and just go on with their day. I do my things“- I am glad they live in a much bigger house and that when you’re there, you have your own room and a separate entrance!

“I don’t hate them… they themselves haven’t had healthy childhood experiences… Communist Romania wasn’t what you’d call the land of opportunity“- my empathy is with them and with you.

“They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago, there are no more uncles, aunts, cousins who are in close contact with them. They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me“- I am guessing that there are people with the same background as your parents, same age, same location, same Communist Romania history who do have close contact with uncles, aunts, cousins and friends?

Why don’t they?

And why don’t they have close contact with their own son (“The worst part was the fact that we don’t really talk much when I’m there.. There isn’t that much to talk about.. so they watch a lot of tv and just go on with their day. I do my things“)?

I am not blaming them, as in suggesting that they are bad people. I think instead, that they are incapable people, incapable of close contact: true to your mother, more than your father perhaps.

“I do believe there are ways for us to heal and accept each other more“- the extreme lack of close contact between you and your parents for 3 decades, is not promising in regard to creating close contact/ healing between the three of you. But I can’t say it is impossible, I can’t predict the future. Miracles (rarely) happen.

“I see they are suffering on a daily basis..  my mother is stuck on her phone almost non stop scrolling social media – she’s heavily addicted. She cannot listen to more than 10 seconds of any of my stories without getting distracted and tuning out. At the end of my conversation there will usually be no reaction from her.. she just has no idea what I’ve said to her…  My father… likes to scroll his phone too.. quite a lot… Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do“- there is no close contact between the two of them either. I too feel sorry for them.

“I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family.. as much as we can and know so far“- yes, you can continue to be a family of no close contact, just like it’s been so far. From your description of your mother, it reads like she is truly incapable of close contact with another human being. I remember now that I suggested this to you some time ago, now edited: that your mother offering you money has been her way to express love that she is generally unable to feel or express.

“I believe trying to understand and showing genuine interest in where they came from and what their experiences have been –  this as well is a sign of adulting… Shouldn’t this as well be a sign of adulting?“- I wonder how many, if any, of the uncles, aunts, cousins and others who expressed genuine interest in your parents, were met with your mother’s/ parents’ inability to reciprocate.. and unreciprocated, their interest evaporated.

Think of your past efforts to show genuine interest in your parents. What were their reactions? If they reacted in ways that were harmful to you (made you feel acutely alone, perhaps), then adulting would be to no longer show genuine interest in them (even if you still feel it).

“Going to Romania makes more sense financially, since I would spend a lot less money there“- I understand this point.

“These days I keep questioning if leaving Alicante is actually the right thing to do or not.. I’m so tired, stressed and foggy lately and I don’t seem to know how to choose anymore… I haven’t ‘adulted’ as much as I’d like and it doesn’t feel great. I think I’m doing the best I can, the best I’ve learned so far… The more I learn – the more I see how little I understand. That’s ridiculous“- this is indeed the nature of true learning: the more you learn, the more there is to learn. It is when a person believes they know all that there is to know, that they are.. not learning anymore.

Your indecisiveness, your doubts, it’s a habit of your mind, that’s where your brain habitually goes when you make this or that decision, or soon after, and this is what’s happening now. When you feel foggy, your brain being fried under the influence of doubt, so to speak, repeat to yourself: I made the right decision. And shake the doubts off from your brain, hush them. When the doubts return, repeat.

anita