Dear Henryanhng:

Welcome and thank you for your appreciation of the forums!

“Two broken engagements have left me with residual doubts about my ability to fully commit and trust in marriage… sometimes the emotions surrounding these past relationships can still be intense. These emotions can occasionally trigger false hope about reconnecting with an ex, which ultimately leads to feelings of guilt towards my current girlfriend… My personal preferences in this area (physical expression) don’t seem to align with her, and this has unfortunately led to a decrease in my overall desire for intimacy, causing me worry and concern“-

– As I understand it, your bond with your current girlfriend is not strong enough (the title of your thread: “Concerns.. for a Stronger Bond“), partly because she does not adequately communicate openly with you (“I believe in open communication. That’s why I’m reaching out for advice“, reaching out here, in the forums, not reaching out to her, not at this point, at least), and there is a certain sexual incompatibility between the two of you, resulting in your reduced physical- sexual attraction to her.

You are also dealing with lingering distrust following two broken engagements, as well as a lingering emotional attachment/ longing to one or both of your ex fiancées, which causes you to feel guilty in regard to your girlfriend.

“I’m reaching out for advice. Has anyone else faced similar challenges? What strategies have you found helpful in building a stronger foundation for intimacy and connection?“-

– I have faced great challenges in trusting people, and still do (to a lesser, or lessening extent). Distrust and Intimacy and Connection are antithetical, they don’t go together.

Trust is necessary for a strong bond.

The question, as I see it, is: is your distrust in your girlfriend a function of who she really is, or is it a function of your past inaccurately projected into her?

In other words: did you do your best to openly communicate with her, over time, in an inviting way (a sensitive, gentle way), and she did not reciprocate, or became defensive or offensive as a result?

Or did she share with you that, let’s say, that she’s shy and it is very difficult for her to ask for what she wants, or maybe even to know what she wants?

“Helpful in building a stronger foundation for intimacy and connection” is the feeling of safety in each other’s company (no aggression, direct or indirect), really listening to each other (putting oneself in the other’s shoes, so to speak), being patient with each other, validating each other’s feelings, being accepting vs critical.

About your guilt regarding your feeling, at times, of hope about reconnecting with an ex: we don’t choose how we feel. No choice= No Personal Responsibility= No Valid Guilt. We are responsible for what we say (or type), and what we do.

anita