Dear Lily Margarette:

Welcome back to the forums. I am sorry that you are still suffering.

“My husband is selfish… He’s insensitive… He’s… verbally abusive and a bully… verbally and emotionally abusive… He has narcissistic tendencies“- We communicated back in Sept 2021. You were very unhappily married for 11 years at the time, a stay at home mom with 3 kids, having terrible relationships with your husband and with his family. We talked about you leaving your husband and staying with your family of origin, while legally separating from him, but you said that your family wasn’t able to accommodate you and your kids.

Back in Sept, 2021, you shared (I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes): “I’m a full-time housewife and don’t feel as if I could cope financially if I were to split up from my husband. I used to work before I had kids but that was 10 years ago, and feel completely terrified of ‘going out to work’ again. I’ve tried various things to help me, taking online courses, even starting freelance work for a little bit, but I felt out of my depth and scared of failing. I think feeling dependent on him makes me feel trapped in a very unhappy situation“.

In Feb,  2022, you shared: “I do feel so incredibly regretful that I never had a proper career set up for myself. I’m educated and always worked (but nothing leading to a specific career), but when I had kids I gave all that up. I’m completely stuck in a rut because I can’t see me ever being able to be independent and having a job anymore. I’m so envious of working mothers because they have the confidence to work. I don’t even know what work I would do as I’m 44 now. I’m getting on. I don’t feel I have any skills to give. I feel lost”.

Your last words before posting today, were on Feb 15, 2022: “I would like help in being able to build my self-esteem in order to sort myself put with earning money. I think if I did this I wouldn’t feel so trapped and helpless. The problem is I have no idea how to do this.”

Two years and 3 months later (today), you shared: “”I’m fuming… I’m really angry now… Now it’s me causing problems apparently. The sulking will begin, the slamming doors and being rude“-

– I think that your fear (feeling completely terrified, scared of failing) together with the feeling-belief of helplessness/ powerlessness results in you feeling doomed to be trapped and stuck forevermore (trapped in a very unhappy situation, completely stuck in a rut, trapped and helpless), and that makes you ANGRY.

The function of anger is to fight yourself out of a trap (to solve problems), but when the anger doesn’t serve its purpose day after day, month after month, year after year, and you remain trapped, problems unsolved, what happens to the anger?

It doesn’t go away, it lies right under the surface and whenever it gets triggered, it erupts like lava out of a volcano, an overreaction to the events that trigger it.

Psychology today/ learned helplessness: “Learned helplessness occurs when an individual continuously faces a negative, uncontrollable situation and stops trying to change their circumstances, even when they have the ability to do so… The perception that one cannot control the situation essentially elicits a passive response to the harm that is occurring”, passive and angry?

“How do I handle this?… How do I keep my cool?“- calm yourself today, one moment, one day at a time, and prepare to exit the trap: look for resources to free yourself from your very unhappy marriage. Believe that it is possible. Can you?

anita