Dear Anita,

Thanks for your replies. Being enraged for a considerable time of the day is indeed exhausting, I was in a loop of enraging memories a few minutes ago as well. It becomes very difficult to not let the emotions take over, it is even interfering with my studies at time.

On your reply dated 20th May- the officer certainly did that because they wanted to, it was completely intentional. I could see other applicants getting their files approved with ease, and even after submitting the required clarification multiple times, they just didn’t let my application proceed. The more I tried, the more personal it became for them. I don’t know why they did all that, but it was unjust, it felt cruelly unfair.

I agree that there was some unresolved anger because I took that anger on myself. I was frustrated, frustrated to the melting point, and I took that frustration on myself. It felt that I was taking some revenge by hurting myself. I can remember this because during that time, I simply refused self-care or any help, I began developing an apathy towards myself, believing inside that why should I put my efforts when all things have to happen this way. A part of my intrusive thoughts are about self-harming behavior (not physical harm) like discontinuing therapy, cutting off all friendships and relations, refusing proper diet and taking care of my physical health and even giving up my career aspirations and a desire for numbness. Such intrusive thoughts hurt me further, they scare me because if I am thinking these things even after seven months, what would I have actually done. It was a point when I began feeling anger towards life itself, because all I could feel was despair, defeat and hopelessness, I felt so much for pity for myself for having to face all this.  I would like to know more about solving this unresolved anger.

About self-esteem, you described it in an accurate manner. It wasn’t the case earlier, but as time went by (especially after graduating from my undergrad college) I began getting attached with this thing, and a point came when I attached my self worth to it. I feel that I got more and more attached to this thing with the worsening of the scholarship issue. And I don’t know why I should not have! It was the single largest opportunity of my life till now and it was going waste because of such a reason! All my hardwork, efforts and sacrifices seemed nothing.

I too feel a lack of self compassion in me, I feel that the only person who would look down on Kshitij is Kshitij himself. The outer world doesn’t judge me, I judge myself. Its me who fixes my self worth on my external achievements and my work. For some reasons I have developed a habit of self sabotaging, of being kind with everyone but me. I sometimes feel that lack of self compassion is the very reason I suffer so much from these intrusive thoughts, because I cant let them go, I cannot do what is required for me to find some peace and solace.

A side note- I read a few things about OCD and intrusive thoughts (and I am not self-diagnosing at all) and I have realized that probably my intrusive thoughts are also a sort of compulsion. But, I am not making any kind of decision on this.

Thanks,

Kshitij