Dear Lily Margarette,

I am sorry that you are still suffering and feeling trapped in your situation. However, I am happy to hear that you did find a job:

He now wants the weekend after…when I’m working and I need him to look after the kids.

Because the last time you wrote, you felt terrified of going out to work again, after having been a stay-at-home mom for more than 10 years. So congratulations on that! Is it a part-time or a full-time job? How are you satisfied with it?

Unfortunately, it seems your husband does have narcissistic tendencies, and such people have very little chance of changing. The fact that therapy didn’t help at all proves it:

He recently went to therapy on his own, and he’s been ten times worse. It’s like his ego has inflated.

So therapy only strengthened his ego. That’s what happens a lot when a narcissist – who is typically charming and very convincing – goes to an inexperienced therapist. The therapist gets charmed away too! And they tend to believe the narcissist, i.e. the abuser, not the victim.

How do I handle this? Please don’t suggest couples therapy

Yeah, definitely couple’s therapy wouldn’t make sense, first because he might equally charm away the therapist. And secondly, if he believes there is no problem with him but tends to blame you (or the children) – then therapy makes no sense, because he doesn’t want to change, neither does he see the need to change.

I think the only long-term solution, unfortunately, would be to separate from him. But I know that with 3 underage children, it might seem overwhelming.

But you don’t need to do it all at once. You might even wait till your children are older, while in the meanwhile you are slowly preparing to stand on your own two feet again. It seems you already made the first step: you found a job. So you have broken through that barrier that you felt 2 years ago. Which is amazing!

How is your self-confidence at this point? Do you think you would be able to separate from your husband and organize a separate life from him, or it still seems very scary?

In terms of day-to-day life, try not to expect too much from him. For example, don’t count that he’d be there for all of the school appointments. With his character, there is a high chance that he “forgets” or double books things or just follows his own needs and wants, without considering you and the children. So, try to accept (temporarily, of course) that this is his character and don’t expect too much from him. Don’t be disappointed if he lets you down.

But also, you can put your foot down and demand that he be there for certain occasions, when you absolutely want him there, or when it would be very impractical to organize child care etc. or example. Such might be e.g. your daughter’s religious presentation, or the weekend when you need to work and you don’t have anybody to take care of the kids.

He might throw temper tantrums and blame you for ruining his outing with his buddies, but you can remain cool about it, because you know it’s not your fault and that him being there on those occasions is an absolute must. So have him do what he promised, even if he is fuming about it and “hates” you for it.

So try to be less emotional and more pragmatical about it: let go if it’s not a big deal, and insist that he keeps his promise if it is a big deal and him bailing out would cause problems. Have those boundaries clear in your mind: what you can and what you absolutely don’t want to tolerate. And play according to those rules (your own rules).

I know it hurts to have a husband like that, and to have to treat him like an unruly child. But if you accept that this is who he is and stop hoping for something different, then perhaps you can proceed to really separate from him, slowly but surely. Methodically. Strategically. By looking for the best exit strategy – for you and your children.

What do you think?