Dear Kshitij:

You are very welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“I want to free myself from this trauma and suffering, its been too long but I don’t know how to give myself peace and solace among these intrusive thoughts. I know I lack self-compassion, for I at times judge myself for obsessing over these intrusive thoughts“- the function of the emotional experiences of shame (judging oneself negatively) and guilt (judging one’s actions negatively) is to motivate a person to correct certain behaviors that need to be corrected, so to be a better person to oneself, and to others. Once the correction has been made, shame and guilt, having served their purpose, should be resolved and dissolved. When a person is stuck in guilt and shame, it’s like a festering wound in one’s mind and heart, filling the mind and heart with pus. There is no space for self-compassion when one’s mind-and-heart are filled with figurative pus.

Earlier in your thread, you wrote: “there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academic“- you felt- feel that you were not a good person, nothing (almost) good in you.

“I do not want to spend the two years of my masters consumed in these intrusive thoughts and struggling with my mental health because of them“- I think that being stuck in shame and guilt has been fueling your intrusive thoughts for a long time.

Earlier in your thread, you wrote: “As my best friend put it for me – ‘you think you need to suffer again and again that’s why you drag yourself back to those thoughts and situations‘“- like your friend said, it is your need to suffer (a result of shame and guilt), that’s dragging you to (fueling) your intrusive thoughts.

Here is more evidence of your shame and guilt (May 23): “I took that anger on myself…  taking some revenge by hurting myself… self-harming behavior (not physical harm) like discontinuing therapy, cutting off all friendships and relations, refusing proper diet and taking care of my physical health and even giving up my career aspirations… I judge myself“- you feel like hurting and harming someone you judge to be a bad person.  You wouldn’t be motivated to hurt, harm and take revenge against a person you judge to be a good person.

May 23: “I sometimes feel that lack of self compassion is the very reason I suffer so much from these intrusive thoughts“-  shame and guilt (the figurative pus I mentioned above) leave no space for self-compassion. Shame and guilt are fueling your intrusive thoughts and causing a mix of despair, depression, rage, hopelessness, and bitterness.

The sermons delivered by your father, was where and how shame and guilt were introduced into your mind and heart, weren’t they?

“I am not being able to tell my therapist about this. She has been so helpful over the last two years…“- I hope that you manage somehow to tell it all to your therapist: you can start by telling her why it’s so difficult for you to tell her.

When your shame and guilt are resolved, so will your unnecessary suffering, unnecessary because you are a good person, and good people should not suffer.

anita