Dear Dafne,

happy to hear from you! I am sorry your internet access was disrupted – hopefully it will get back to normal soon.

I myself am more or less okay, thank you for asking. Still having some new health issues that come and go, but I try not to worry about it too much. These past 6 months have been about learning how to face and manage my health anxiety, and my fears in general. And it’s a work in progress, but I am getting better at it 🙂

Meanwhile I found out a bit more about that counselling place you asked me about.

Good you did that!

And the first person I spoke to was a nurse and the other was a counselor. They each had an assessment with me and they had the same opinions of what I confined to them.

Oh so it wasn’t one session with both of them, but two separate sessions, right? But they both gave you a similar opinion – basically blaming you for not helping yourself as a child :\

Then at the end of my session I spoke to a group of people and they seemed to know about the problems of all other participans as well.

You mean you participated in a group therapy session, where participants share about their problems?

I remember one person saying that you need to be honest with yourself where you made any mistakes and should not sugarcoat it like at many other institutions.

Well yeah, we need to be honest with ourselves, but it is also important to understand what caused our problems and how our childhood trauma led us to where we are now.

I don’t know what they meant by “sugarcoating”? Is it to have empathy and understanding for the person? Because if they advocate more of the “tough love” approach, telling the person to “get a grip” and “take responsibility” – so coming more from a judgmental side – it cannot lead to a lasting healing.

Regarding the dog, I’m really thankful for all your advice. I contacted a vet but she is not a behaviourist so couldn’t help too much. Unfortunately we do not have a big choice here.

Then I asked at the shelter and they gave me the number of a dog sitter & a trainer. They told me that he is not easy to train as he has aggressive tendencies and his anxiety is too big. I’ve tried to leave him with her gradually but she wasn’t happy to continue as she could not touch him and he snaped at her. I don’t see any solution here.

I am sorry the people you’ve asked so far couldn’t really help. Did this dog come from a shelter, and was already traumatized, or your mother didn’t treat him/train him properly?

But I know there are people who are willing to work with even the most traumatized dogs. And even take them to their homes. Perhaps google “working with traumatized dogs” and see what comes up?

You’re right Tee, there are a few things that I like doing and need to do more often. I neglected it for a long time. I could say that I enjoy listening to the music, painting and travelling.

It all sounds lovely! Perhaps you can take up painting? Your profile picture, with nice flowers, kind of gives me the vibe of an artistic soul… Whatever you choose, I strongly recommend doing something that feeds and nourishes your soul!

What do you like doing in your free time?

I used to love hiking and taking walks in nature, but I’ve got mobility issues since the last few years, so climbing even the smallest hill isn’t an option any more 🙁 But I still love to take a stroll in nature, even if it’s just a green oasis within the city, e.g. visiting an arboretum, or a Japanese garden. I find it very nourishing for my soul…

 I’m not sure if you believe in dreams and that they mean something but I keep having the same dreams for a long time now. I see my ex fiancé in them. I keep waking up with regrets that I gave up on him so easily. I think I mentioned him to you once.

You mentioned someone who you felt only wanted you to take care of his kids and cook and clean for him. To be a maid, sort of. Is that him?

He told me that his house is for his kids and when he dies also for his ex-wife. And if we want something together, I need to buy something new with him.

So he didn’t have a place to live and basically wanted you to co-finance his new place?

He visited some of my family, but it was not enough for him & he insisted to also see how my mother lives.

Do you know why he was so adamant to see how your mother lives? Perhaps he was interested in her real estate? Sorry if I am being too suspicious, but I can only think of 2 reasons why seeing your mother’s place would be such a deal-breaker for him: either he thought you are hiding something about your mother, and saw this as a red flag, or he was interested in seeing what type of property he can count on some time down the line. Did he seem materialistic, stressing things like wealth, status etc?

His family also interfered a lot, and he always asked their opinion.

You mean his ex-wife interfered? Or his parents?

He was a bit controlling at times but that showed me that he cares about me.

Can you give me an example of his being controlling?

Was my mother right about not inviting him? Was he bad news but I didn’t see it?

Well, your mother was not too kind in not wanting to meet him. However, it is her right not to invite guests to her house. He expected you to “convince” her, although if someone is stubborn, what can you do? Have you talked about your mother (and her character) to him? It seems he blamed you for not being able to control (or have more influence over) your mother…

I don’t think your mother is right when it comes to judging people’s characters. So I wouldn’t trust her judgment, specially since she never even met him. However, there are some red flags in his behavior, so it might be a good thing that you didn’t push for a relationship with him.

Why those dreams keep torturing me?

It could be that your counseling session, in which the counselor accused you of not being pushy enough with your recent love interest (the church man), triggered some regrets about this other guy, who was your fiance. Maybe there is something to look at in this relationship, and now is the right time for it? I’ll be happy to help you analyze it a bit more, if you’d like?

Big hug to you too, cheers and all the best, dear Dafne <3