My practices dictate that anger towards others is a sin unless it is to protect someone else. I explored that and found that most of the time, I was angry when my needs were unmet. Usually, because I was hungry.

I was starved as a child. My biological mother figured out the minimum amount of food we needed and gave us vitamins to prevent deficiencies which would impact our health. She would punish us for eating without her permission. Sometimes she would just not buy food at all.

Being hungry is a trigger for me. I never really forgot that experience. Being starved every day for a decade and a half. We were anorexic, but not because we had chosen not to eat enough. Because we were being starved by our mother.

One of the few good memories I have of her is when she woke us up in the night to get pizza from the grocery store. Pizza is still one of my favourite foods. I only realised why recently when I was trying really hard to recall any positive memories.

I was terrified to sleep because she would describe to me how she planned to kill us in our sleep. I broke the ladder on my bunk bed so she wouldn’t be able to reach me.

Anyway, there is one thing that I kind of ignored about my practice. That anger towards yourself is also considered a sin. This is something that I do quite a lot. Blame myself causing myself stress and anxiety. I need to work on this.

Being a mother makes things harder. I wish I was the perfect mother. I don’t feel like I am. Weaning is hard on me. I don’t want my son to be unhappy. It stresses me out and the hormones are crazy.

It is hard to stop blaming myself. I wish that things could have been different. I’m sorry for blaming myself. I know it hurts every time I do.