Dear Anita,

Thank you very much for introducing me to the works of J. Mark G. Williams. I will look up his books and audios for sure. What you observed is true, I am rushing, I do feel lagging behind, and that does cause me exhaustion. You used the right word- ‘pressure’. Ever since I have come here, and I think since even before that, I am living under self-inflicted pressure, as if I am running against a sand dial. I was not like this earlier, for the most parts of my life before my third year of under-grad, I tried to protect myself from external voices, from comparison, from looking down upon myself. But now, it feels different. Ever since I read your post, I have tried to give myself some relaxation. At this point, I don’t think I feel ‘happy’ at all, like genuine contentment. A few great things happened the last week and while I was excited when I got to know about them, deep down a part of me wanted to rush back to my room and cry. I want to release this pressure now.

Isn’t this ironic that my intrusive thoughts and flashbacks are hindering me to experience that very reality for which I faced all this? When I was in that difficult situation, I wanted to be here, and when I am here, I cannot enjoy it to the full because of my what-if thoughts. I feel sad to see that these things are in some ways hindering my present. And just like that, I scrolled my mobile phone for less than a minute and I came across something that again triggered my anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

About shame, I do not know if these quotes apply to me, at least it does not appear right now…but I do accept that I have a habit/tendency of self-loathing from a long time. It is also true that sometimes I try to micro-analyze my actions and zoom in on even a small ‘mistake’ that I might have done. But its very clear that I do feel shame to bring these thoughts up for discussion, I feel they make me a lesser person. I feel I am a hopeless person, strangled in this spiral and stupidly causing myself more pain and suffering.

Meanwhile, I was able to share my feelings with my therapist through a written document. She has suggested that we can first talk about why I am not able to share these things. I have booked a session for this week, but in some moments I feel like bailing out. Today evening itself I had almost sent her a message asking her to cancel the session. But I hope I give myself some strength and at least go for the session.

Thanks,

Kshitij