Hi Peter

I have almost died on more than one occasion. Once I wasn’t afaid, once I was. The second time I was afraid because it was slow and painful. I couldn’t walk or stand. The pain was indescribable and at the same time I wanted to die even though I was afraid because I wanted to put an end to the suffering. I was afraid because there were people I loved and things that I still wanted to experience. Even though I was slowly dying, I was happy because I had a life worth living for.

The first time, I wasn’t afraid. I was happy and it happened quickly and painlessly. I thought this isn’t so bad. I could die without any regrets and not needing anything else from life. If I stayed or went it didn’t matter.

I guess the older I got, the greedier I got. I wanted to experience, to love, to achieve. I guess you could call this identity. Or a future. An identity not yet formed. I wanted to enjoy the journey I was on with my partner, to become and build a future. I had goals.

I have achieved those goals. I became who I wanted to be and now I have new goals, new wanting to become. A new future. The difference now is that I don’t want these things as fiercely. The people to protect and love are the most important now.

A blank piece of paper was what God looked like to me as a child and rays of light beaming down from the sky, heaven. It is a beautiful thing to find joy in a canvas and awe in the light. We can lose sight of that sense of wonder as adults.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏