Dear Anita,

I think CAS is something relatable, I cannot let go of my intrusive and pessimistic thoughts no matter what. I have also begun observing that my mind is somehow habitual of that state, of depression, of rumination and the subsequent hopelessness. I do not know if I have told this before but many times, I start searching things on the internet out of nowhere and read articles etc. which is not for self-help but triggers the vicious cycle of intrusive thoughts. I think my internal beliefs worsen my suffering in many ways. We have already talked about shame, and sometimes I feel that my internal shame binds me from doing things that will improve and enrich my lifestyle.

My intrusive thoughts are causing pessimistic and hopeless thoughts these days. Sometimes, when I am in that vicious cycle, I ask whether life is even worth living if suffering is the ultimate reality? I remember your post about repressed anger, and I agree with it. That repressed anger overwhelms me during the spiral, where I  imagine hurting myself emotionally(I think I have shared this in an earlier thread) as well as pushing away all my friends in that anger. I will write another thread about the repressed anger tomorrow and if it is okay, can I also share one thread about my enraging thoughts that were occurring today.

One more question, Anita. There is a recent development in my intrusive thoughts that first happened in the nightmare (mentioned by me a few days ago). I do not think if this forum would be the safest place to mention that, how can I share it with you?

Thanks

Kshitij