Hello Anita

Yes, the first one year was a a bit turbuelent for us. I think the main reason was because i was insecure with her then ex. Before we got together, they were on and off for many times, before they eventually broke up.

They broke up after I reconnected with her, which was around a month after I said i needed to take a break back in 2018. I contacted her after I disconnected with her for a few weeks. Soon after we reconnected, she told me they broke up. We eventually got together in Jan 2019

She still kept in touch with her ex after that. I was upset about that, but she said once it was over it was over. I was still insecure as she kept the stuff her ex gave her in the house(there was a guitar of her ex, some stuffed animals which were gifts from her ex etc), with her still in touch with the ex, I felt very insecure  at that time, 1) is the history of on-off rellationship she had with her ex; 2) Her ex’s stuff is still in the house and I think this made me feel uncomfortable.

She eventually put them away/ returned the stuff of her stuff. I think they stopped contacting each other as well. But it made her feel I was a sensitive person and she didn’t understand why I would be insecure, while i think my feeling were valid and i didn’t understand why she didn’t understand instead.

Now as I am thinking of the past, this feeling of not being undestood was here from the very beginning. I do not feel empthaized or understood well.  I think I need someone who is more sensitve, not necessarily over-sensitive, but sensitive to feelings/ emtions

She said I brought her new perspective and I am someone whom she typically does not interact with

She said it recently when we were reviewing our relationship. I asked her why did she like me in the beginning. She said I was  kind person and empathetic, she also said the above. So I asked if those things were gone, if i changed, or did you change. She said no(which made me puzzled also, coz you still like the characters that I have, and you say you don’t like me)

I think she tends to interact with people who do not handle their feeling/ emotions. she hangs out with a bunch of people for drinks/ just get together for games etc. She does have some friends whom she talks about their problems, but I think they are talking like what typically men do(no offense, I just think most men think in a different way than women). They are all in the head, and everything is compartmentize and doesn’t go into the heart.

I do think my image stays the same even I have changed. I also told her the same like what your mom did. I understand this is human nature to be more sensitive to danger.

After last night I think I would continue to wait and see, i comforted myself that another day is gone, and I am closer to the day when we reconnected, I agree that I am swayed by my emotions, when emotion arise, like yesteryday , I wanted to end it and I kind of just want to do somethinig about it. Part of me know I really want to end this, part of me i really want to know what she would say at the end and honour the promise

Yes, lack of control is distressing for me, throughout the years I have learned and a lot of the things(with the exception of relationship), I have learned to follow the flow

Thanks for listening, it is indeed a tough time for me