Dear anonymous:

You are welcome. You shared in your 2nd post that 4-5 years ago, you were “full of life and energy“, and “all of a sudden past events started (to take over your life)” and basically, you were depressed. Recently, you shared about some of your issues with your brother, and as a result of your sharing and his active listening, you felt “good for a few days and then suddenly (you were) back to square 1. All the good vibes that were there were suddenly erased“=you were back to being depressed.

This is how your depression looks like, taken from your original post 3 months and 4 days ago (April 5): “The pain inside the heart and mind is unbearable… feelings of despair, fear, helplessness, and void… I think I was never programmed to stay happy. I live in constant fear… I see no end to the suffering and pain which I am sure will come in multiple packages. I see life becoming even more toxic (people spitting venom in the social media) and tougher to survive and exist“.

You asked me (2nd post): “I have started to listen to relaxing music, and this helps a bit. I have started journaling, and it has helped me to let out my emotions. However, there are triggering factors which completely consumes me, brings all the negative emotions and all the effort which I put seems to go in vain and I am back to start. Is this a normal process?“- healing is not a linear process: there’s improvement, then regression (back to feeling badly), then improvement, sometimes great improvement and you think you’re done healing, but.. then feeling badly again, and disappointed: it’s like a zigzag line with ups and downs, while the overall trajectory, over time, is upward if you continue the process in spite of the regressions.

So, yes, the zigzag nature of healing is normal. But for healing to proceed, you have to expect and accept the regressions as a normal part of the process, to persevere and continue.

“Morning is the worst time and the moment I wake up I am instantly grappled by feeling of despair, fear, helplessness, and void (April 5)…I still get anxiety bouts specially during the morning and wish I was not alive in the morning (July 8)- I think that you’ll need to start and restart the healing process every morning by stating your objectives of your healing. Perhaps you can formulate your objectives and start each day with them in mind.

It is scary and depressing to feel powerless, no wonder you are anxious and depressed. I see the hope for your healing in changing your attitude from that of personal helplessness to that of personal empowerment, in you believing that you have some (some, not a whole lot) power over what happens in your life.

(April 5): “My father was concerned about my future and took all my decisions (till his death)“- it is time for you to take all of your decisions, to be powerful in your own life!

(April 5): “I am not fit for this world. Hatred, deception, and hypocrisy are the qualities to survive in this world and unfortunately, I do not have them. I never imagined surviving in this world would be this harsh. How can we say life is beautiful when all we see, and experience is cruelty and hatred. This place belongs to those who can crush, kill, and bury others while pretending to be civil. There is nothing pure, simple, and pristine. There is no room for soft-hearted, sensitive, shy, and simple people. Having these qualities is an open invitation for exploitation“- it is time for you to do more than to survive a harsh world. Too many people’s place in this world is indeed a place of hatred, deception and hypocrisy (while all of us have to address these within us, not just outside of us), but that doesn’t mean that you need to withdraw from the world. Instead of withdrawing from it, take your rightful place in it.

There is a saying: Be the change you want to see in the world. Your rightful place in the world, using your words, is to be the pure, simple, and pristine person you wish others were, best you can! Participate in life more, actualize yourself in this world.

July 8: “It is good to see my child growing, speaking new words and calling me“- there is a concept called a Beginner’s Mind: the willingness to see everything as if for the first time, free of prejudice, judgments, or biases. It’s the way a young child sees everything. A young child is also focused on the present time, nothing to ruminate about: that’s why they are happy and hopeful. Try to see things through your child’s eyes and focus on the present moment.

Every day, beginning in the morning, shift from despair to hope, bit by bit, in spite of and through expected regressions.

anita