Hi Anita and Helcat,

Thanks.

I think you two and the community have been very supportive to me. Thank you Anita for being mindful when you tell me your thoughts. I don’t feel offended or take it negatively. I read it when i first woke up and i re-read it again when I was in transit. I think you have a point, that my emotions just go up and down or go in no directions WITHOUT any concrete/ specific outside of my mind’s trigger, that include anger, which also means I have some emotions inside of me which is triggered by this incidence, or may be throughout my relationship with her (and other people).

I do feel this was a lot more severe when I first share in this forum. I do give credits to my current on a break partner, I think she did try to make me feel a lot more secure. Once I am secured, I don’t have the fear/ anger responds, other than at times I overreact when things go unexpected.

I don’t think(just for my perspective) that the current relationship is abusive. My previous one might be indeed, the indicators were more obvious, i was more explosive like my dad. I don’t know how to evaluate the current relationship, I feel my judgement may be clouded by the fact that I am in it. There were argument or misunderstanding in between, but definitely no verbal abuse(bxtch etc), no physical abuse. Emotionally I also don’t think so, I don’t think I threaten her/ gaslight her in any sense, nor did she. But I know I have a very serious look when I get irritated or angry, she might be sensitive to other upset/ and this has stressed her out, even sometime I didn’t say a word. There were times when she didn’t know want to talk but I did want to talk about my emotions, and she felt stressed to listen or confront them. I think that’s the  most of it.

These few weeks been challenging for me, and so a lot innermost, or even primitive coping strategies are out. These involve going from fear to anger, or go into the misery and sad place to mourn things. basically just jumping from one place to another.

For the letter, I was deleting some old photos and I saw some of hers. I did miss her a lot when going through these and so it prompted me to write something to her. After I did I wanted to send to her, but I was thinking about the break that we have so I hesitated and didn’t do so.

I shared the letter with one of my closest friends, I was afraid this was too much to her . So I found someone to help me evaluate it. My friend thought it was simply some insights that I had during the break that I would like her to know, with no invitation to reply, plus she agreed that I could reach out if i needed to. But I re-think and I am afraid this would inevitably create an expectation / stress for her to reply. Also she may not want to know this now. So I didn’t send

i might just print it out for her to read on the day when we discuss about the relationship again, I feel this my message can be better conveyed if so.