Dear Tee,

How is your summer going? I hope you are doing better and that your spirits are lifted a little bit with better weather🌞

I’m sorry for the late reply Tee; I was a little bit angry with myself. I would have written to you much sooner but the original message got erased by mistake and I couldn’t gather my thoughts after that. I still don’t have the internet at home and need to rely on other people’s availability.

Meanwhile, I participated in a small group talk organized for the COVID survivors. So I have more to tell you 🙂 It was an exceptional event where I could share some of the issues that you and I are discussing here. They believe that COVID causes or makes anxiety, chronic stress, and depression much worse and if you do not talk about it or deal with it somehow; it can even lead to suicide attempts (which has happened a lot since the pandemic).

It made me think of you and your anxiety struggle as well. It is very important to have someone caring in your life who doesn’t ignore the importance of your feelings and mental state. I shared with the group that although I do not have anyone nearby, I know someone who helped me so much and I don’t know if I would even be here without her compassion, advice, and loving understanding. I was talking about you 🙂

Going back to your question about stopping most of my projects. Yes, the breakup affected me badly but that was only one of the reasons. You see, I’ve lost some of the kindest and closest people to my heart during COVID, and on top of that health-related issues and childhood trauma coming up to the surface out of nowhere. Not a good mix at all.

You’re right Tee, somehow I need to bring the joy and enthusiasm back to life. But how to forget the past? How to move on without feeling bitter or even sad seeing fathers nurturing their daughters at any age? I’m an adult but still feel that empty space and a void that I can’t fill myself.

And maybe I got even more triggered when I met my fiancée. Maybe you got it right again and he wasn’t a victim or as good as he presented himself to me and my mother.

I believe now that my mother was not totally wrong about him. With marrying me for sure. But also with the other aspects. I will explain more now. He mostly prioritized the needs of his kids. I agree with her on that now because I felt almost invisible when they were over. He asked how I was but I needed to do what he expected me to do. It was never about being fair to the kids and myself. At the same time, he did not let me do things on my own when they came over to his place. To give you an example, he did not like it when I wanted to see my friends outside or go to the library. He expected me to entertain his daughter and stay at home. I did not mind doing it but then it got too much as it felt draining. I felt overwhelmed to be with them all the time and needed some space for myself (especially during the long breaks). He would get angry when I decided to do it anyway (go outside, meet with friends, or travel to see my family). So when I let him take care of his children’s needs it was fine with him and I also was expected to take care of their needs but if I wanted to take care of my needs (going out and doing what I needed to do) it was not fine. And no one cared about what I needed (just like my dad did to me). I’m not sure if I’m explaining it well 🙂 Tee, please let me know if you understand that bit.

Tee, to answer your question about my mother standing up for me and herself, no, it was not easy to ask anything from my father. He was young and not responsible. As far as I know, he wasn’t even keen on paying the child support. He never bought me anything nice, even a toy. He only brought some used things for me to play with once his ex-wife’s son was done with it. Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him or try to be more clever than him. He also called me bad names when I asked for something. So I was afraid to ask or want anything from him.

My father indeed did not care about ensuring a home for me and my mother was afraid of him. She told me that he was trying to blackmail her if she tried anything. My dad did not want me to have an easier life than he had as a child which is awful. My mother’s lawyer told her to fight for the old house so I could safely stay there. But apparently, my dad changed the documents and put the house under his sister’s name so we could not have it. Then he tried to push her lawyer off the stairs because he tried to help us. It is an awful thing to discover after all those years. I feel like I did not know my life at all.

Yes, the kids stayed usually every 2 weekends, but also all the school holidays, breaks, and whenever his ex-wife felt like it (which was quite often). So it was expected of me to take care of them. When he first met me he paid a neighbor to help him but then she refused as she did not like to stay with his kids. She told me that they were spoiled, badly behaved, and aggressive at times. I know what she was talking about. I’ve experienced that behavior from his son, who was playing violent games constantly, shouting, and using bad words.

My fiancée scolded him but was afraid to lose him so let it be. The boy even said that he would kill everybody who is not doing as he pleases. I did not think of this as a real threat, but my fiancée said that if a stepmother or any other woman is not doing the right thing, she deserves it. That was when we saw a movie together about a boy who killed his stepmother for shouting at him and was not sentenced. My fiancée agreed with the plot in that movie and that the boy did not get punished by law.

His daughter was really sweet when she was small but with time started to compete with me for his dad’s attention. This triggered my ‘daddy’s issues’ and I started to feel neglected. I felt ashamed of myself feeling that way at my age but also unappreciated and unloved. She even demanded he buy things for her only and that she wanted all his money. She was fed from a very young age that only power and money matters. I’m sure both parents poisoned her mind from an early age. It did not feel good to be in this situation as it triggered my old wounds. I wanted desperately for something to change and get better so we could be a loving couple or even a patchwork family.

But would it be possible for me to change anything? Would buying a new home together help?

He told me to forget about his house and buy something together. Would it be possible for his kids and his ex-wife to claim our new house (with or without the divorce)? Someone told me that maybe it was his plan as well. I was not his wife so even with the prenup, he could make sure that his kids get half of our new house as well. Tee, do you think this is possible?

Also, I did not like the way he ordered food for himself and his kids. He gave me a very tiny portion of it and never ordered a takeaway just for me. Apparently, I should be cooking every time they were over. I did most of the time, but I was tired too, and with time, I felt it was not fair to expect it from any woman who is not a wife. And even then, most women wouldn’t do it.

I also found it very strange that he told me that he is a vegetarian but ate meat when I was not looking. And then saying that he wasn’t but I saw him eating it. And I am not a vegetarian so why hide? The neighbor told me that maybe he did not want to buy meat as it was too expensive and when she stayed at his place he was very stingy with food. He even told his son to navigate what she was eating.

Sometimes he invited me out to the restaurant but was nabbing at my food as well 🙂 I don’t mind sharing and tasting each other’s dishes but if he liked it so much, he should have ordered an extra portion. He then always turned it into a joke saying that he didn’t want me to get fat. Am I too sensitive in saying all that?  I’m trying to be fair and not judge him too much, but those little things made a difference.

When we first met, he agreed that one day he would consider marriage, maybe having a child, and that it is a good idea to have a dog. Then with time he started to change and said that some of the things he said earlier were only a joke (after I already got a small dog) and I should not take everything too seriously. Also, his sisters manipulated him a lot. Everything had to be consulted with the sisters. He never mentioned that they helped to pay his mortgage. He said that his dad helped a bit but not his sisters.

So till today, I am not sure if he is divorced or not as the paper he showed me was a provisional decree of divorce but I did not see the final paper. He told me that he is divorced but not financially. And back then all family and friends confirmed that he was legally divorced but probably did not receive the final paper or lost it in the process.

He told me to not be too visible to his ex-wife (showing our pictures on social media etc.) so she wouldn’t claim the house.

Is it possible for someone to claim the house after the final divorce? And if indeed they would make such a deal that he cannot sell the house without her approval, why would he talk about her claiming it? Did he mean taking it completely?

Just like you Tee, I would never agree to plan my life with a man who isn’t divorced but I was convinced that he is. So I lost lots of time and energy in trying to figure out his motives and knowing his status.

I agree with you 100 % that agreeing to his demands would be like a second-class relationship and not fair at all.

The problem is that I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I can’t relate to any couple (maybe just in romantic movies), but it is not always realistic. So usually I followed my heart and Tee look how far it got me.

So, in this unclear situation, you would not accept that living relationship, but what if he was divorced, widowed, or never married before? Would your opinion change on that? Would you accept the live-in situation without ever getting married?

I know his family and friends, and they all confirmed that he is divorced. They all attended his court proceedings and I saw the letter saying that they are divorced but can change their mind up to a certain date. So it could be that the ex-wife did not want to proceed with the final divorce and they agreed to separate and keep the financial situation unresolved. My fiancé used to tell me very often that till now his ex-wife did not make any claim to the house but she may in the future (if for example, he reveals to her that I exist). I was always surprised why there were no pictures of us together in the house or phone profile. He always explained that she may get jealous and claim the house. But I don’t understand why she needs to claim the house if she has the right to half of it.

I know you advised me to not contact him again. I found out that he had changed his number and gave it now to his daughter. She told me that. I also asked her to contact me when she is at his place but she did not. I need to know if any of my letters are still coming to his address but have no way to find out. He told me not to come to his house because he could not come to my mother’s house. Does that even make sense? What can I do now?

My mother never had drinking problems before. I never remember her drunk. At some point, she started to analyze her life and feel bad about it.

The problem is that she doesn’t just go and fall asleep. She starts talking a lot, loudly, and is not giving up till she gets a reaction from me. No matter what I do, she won’t stop until I talk back. Then she plays the victim and starts blackmailing. I told her about the GP but she doesn’t care as she doesn’t trust doctors anyway. This did not work, unfortunately. I am trying to avoid her but this works only for a while and then she finds me and starts talking and complaining.

Tee, I am grateful for your help. It would be impossible for me to understand myself better without you!

I appreciate all you do! 💕

Big kiss my dear and please let me know your news 🙂