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Dafne

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #422535
    Dafne
    Participant

    Hello Jay,

    Thank you for your reply.

    You’re right about not wanting a woman with a child. It is a healthy choice.

    I believe single parents should only date other single parents based on my experiences. Single people dating single parents have a lot of drama/issues & I do not want to deal with the children, the children mother, the children mother family, etc. for the rest of my life. I want a simple & quiet life.

    You will never be #1 to her. Her child (even adult children = grandkids etc.) is the β€˜most important thing to her in the world’ aka not you. It also means a piece of her former relationship(s) never goes away.

    I’m a bit older than you πŸ™‚ but I’ve never been married before as I did not want to settle for less.

    I always wanted to have a family on my own but not just with anybody.

    It’s nice to know there are still men out there who are decent and looking for the same things.

    What qualities are you looking for in a life partner? And how do you usually meet women?

    Have a lovely day! 🌼

    Dafne

    #422179
    Dafne
    Participant

    Hello Jay!

    Thank you for your reply and comforting words. It does help me to feel that I’m not alone.

    I’m sorry to hear that you went through all of this. I know how much it hurts. Especially when we never feel like a priority for those people.

    But I’m sure there is a way to find the right people for us and to be happy in this life.

    Jay, do you have any kids of your own?

    I don’t have any and I decided not to go for someone with children. But he needs to love dogs πŸ™‚

    I believe now that it will save us from a lot of heartache.

    I do not mind if he is divorced (not separated) or widowed, as long as he is ready to start a new chapter with me (without looking back). Children are for life and we will always feel neglected or like there is something missing in a relationship.

    Have a good day!

    Dafne

    P.S.

    Do you know if Tee is still on this blog? πŸ€”

    I haven’t heard from her for a long time. Hope she is well πŸ™

    #421079
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    Thank you for your message and your kind wishes. I’m really sorry not to reply sooner but I wasn’t well for a long time. I’ve got a very bad Covid which knocked me down for a long time. Also more problems came to my life as I could not help my elderly. It caused a lot of tension and I just emotionally ‘froze’ as I was not able to deal with it at that moment.

    Anyways, on a positive note, I am a bit better now. Dr. said I got the long term one and need to look after myself more.

    Tee, how are you these days? Are you going on any holidays?

    I agree with everything you said in your last post. Yes, I’ve tried one Christian website in the past but all matches lived too far away and did not want to travel to see me πŸ™ˆ

    Once I feel and look better πŸ˜† I will try some new webpages. Do you have any specific suggestion?

    Also, have you ever been to India? I’ve heard it is a very spiritual country and marriage is sacred. I also heard that most marriages are arranged so not many prospects my age are left. I’ve tried some spiritual websites but it seems like everyone is talking only about massages and Tantra πŸ˜„ 🀣

    Have a lovely day Tee!

    Hope to hear from you soon.

    Warm wishes

    Dafne πŸ’“πŸͺ·πŸŒΌ

     

    #420051
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    How are you doing? I came down with a flu and still recovering 🀧

    I hope you are feeling better πŸ’“

    Thank you for taking your time to figure out the rest of my story. It all makes sense now and I decided to leave him alone.

    “You should take the guy as he is, not as you want him to be.”

    Those are very wise words. We as women should never try to change a man or wait for him to change but rather see him the way he is now. It is a waste of time and tears.

    “Is expecting to go on a date with a guy before jumping into bed with him too much to expect? Is it too serious? Too much of a burden for the guy?”

    That’s very true. It is not too much to ask but for some reason, men decide not to and go the easy way. Also why is it that the same guy treats one woman like a queen and the other like dirt. And ironically the one who is treating him well gets the bad treatment in return. Why is that?

    I had a hard time too, to agree with everything the priest said. Actually the Internet is full of advice for women like: be hard to get, not talking about our intentions early on, never chase, never call first, be easy going, do not question him too much. It is all about not scaring him away. They say that it is in man’s nature to chase the woman and she should ‘lean back’ and wait. I’m not sure what kind of men will be attracted by that approach nowadays (potentially players that like the game of chasing). The church has similar understanding of dating but will it work in our modern times? In old times it led to marriage but what about now?

    More and more relationships start now with sex or having kids first and then getting to know the person.

    My friend adviced to travel to another country like Ireland, Iran, India, Turkey, Middle East even but it is not possible for me at the moment.

    Do you think it is a good idea? Could those countries be a better choice for old school women to find old soul men?

    Warm hugs and big kiss from me πŸ€— πŸ’•

    Have a good day!

    Hope to hear from you soon πŸ™

    Dafne

     

     

     

     

     

    #419571
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. That’s a really wise phrase. Some patterns keep repeating in my life and I am accepting too little from those men.

    I also realised that it might be the way I speak with men. You can see my example with the last man in my email above. I should not be too serious too soon (saying that I’m looking for dates, affection, feelings before sex) as it may scare them away. I do not understand how men think and they take me for granted very quickly. Maybe the right approach would be to say that I’m just looking to meet new people? Maybe to say I’m not looking for anything in particular? I realised that the first few meetings are the most important moments and even one small mistake can ruin it all (especially if the man is recently divorced).
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I’ll have a look at the poem you recommended and the ways how to create the healthy independence. It is not easy to find the right balance in life but I’ll try to apply it (if I ever get a chance to meet someone new).</p>
    Have a good day Roberta πŸͺ»πŸŒž

    Kind greetings πŸ™

    Dafne

    #419570
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I hope you are feeling much better these days.

    I am happy to read your message. Thank you for your comforting words! πŸ™

    Yes, this longing affects my life in so many ways and I’m not coping with it that well.

    The priest did not encourage chasing him but he told me that everything is possible. I told him about his bad behaviour and the sex bit too as it gave him more clarity. The priest said that this man is not himself and may even behave irrationally or promiscuous. Sometimes it is a part of his grieving process and sometimes his heart will never heal. He might be a good man but in a bad place in his life now.

    Normally he doesn’t approve women to go after divorced men as they are still healing, having feelings to their ex or in the worst case not divorced at all (only legally separated).

    In my case, he thinks it is too late for us because I told him what I want. At the beginning I should not reveal that I am looking for something serious (dates, affection, feelings etc.). This scares away most men (especially after divorce). He would come back to me at some point and ask me out himself. So he believes it is more about the male psychology.

    Tee, what do you think of that?

    I also might have pushed him away by the constant demands to go out with him. Maybe I should have let him go after the 1 date and wait for him to contact me first.Β It seems like men want what they can’t have.

    Isn’t it ironic?

    This subject is so complex and men seem to have a completely different perspective than us.

    I’m looking forward to your message.

    Have a lovely day Tee! πŸ€—πŸ’πŸŒ·

    Warm greetings 🌼

    Dafne

     

     

     

    #419291
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    How are you doing these day? Do you feel any better? 🌼

    Thank you for taking time to reply to my message. I might be too emotional to see the things the way you do. It feels like something is pushing me towards him to help him in his struggle. I just can’t let him go…

    I even spoke with one of our priests as he asked me again if I already found someone to spend my life with. I explained the situation and he adviced me to give it a last shot. He said that I can choose to never contact him again or I can give him a last chance and call him asking to meet just as friends. I should try to call him few times and if he doesn’t answer, to delete him from my life forever. No looking back…

    Tee, what do you think? I know that you said to forget him but would you change your mind after hearing this suggestion from a priest?

    I took your advice about the healing to my heart, and I will do my best to try it and not give up on my life just yet. I do not have many reasons to stay on this Earth if not for the elderly I want to help.

    I’m grateful that the Universe has sent me an angel like you to give me hope. Also Roberta was kind enough to give me her perspective.

    Looking forward to hearing from you.

    Thank you πŸŒ·πŸ™

    Have a good night

    Dafne

     

     

     

    #419090
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    I can understand how challenging it can be for you. Hopefully you will achieve your dream one day. I admire your spiritual choice.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Have you been married before? Any children?</p>
    To be honest with you, I do not even imagine having a child without a partner. I know how hard the life is for a single mom. Also it doesn’t feel natural and right to me. I would prefer a normal family.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m not sure what Buddhist teachings say about it. Are some people predestined to fail in life or redeem other people’s sins? Why some people have it so much harder than others?</p>
    Have a good day,

    Kind regards,

    Dafne

     

     

    #419087
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are not well. I hope you will feel better soon πŸ’“

    Thank you for your kind words of consolation and explaining the dynamics of the relationships. I can understand now that it is not always about having sex too soon but more about the people and emotions involved. Don’t worry about being too blunt, as it helps me see the things exactly as they are. I appreciate it.

    We never spoke about those matters at home and anything sexual was quite shameful and avoided to talk about. I felt closed off emotionally and physically all my life and was afraid of romantic relationships. On top of that I always longed for a loving father and a loving husband eventually. To be honest this feeling was so strong that I can’t live my life fully and it also affects my health badly.

    I had no chance to do my list as I am still trying to recover emotionally from my yesterday’s experience. You will not believe what happened…

    I walking on the street and I saw the last guy. He did not see me so I decided to go after him and see if he will want to talk.

    He was very surprised to see me. The conversation was a bit awkward but he gave some answers I was looking for. He explained that he decided to not reply as he did not want to hurt me. I told him that his silence hurts even more.

    Then I asked why he did not want to stay in touch. Basically he was not happy that I wasn’t sexually ‘wild’ with him (when he invited me to his house last time). He expected more to happen and what he did is not enough for him. At some point he was quite explicit with his words and things he expected that evening. Got totaly emotional and said his ex was like that, very sexual and wild (she has a daughter from a previous relationship and apparently lots of experience). Then I asked if I reminded him of her. So he took his phone and showed me their pictures from travels and wedding video. I did not know if I should smile or cry. His hands were shaking, started to smoke and said he doesn’t feel like going out, talking, doing things together, no yoga, no walks. He just wants to be there for his son but is open to meet me without going out.

    Then he asked me when was the last time I slept with a man and did not like the fact that I was not experienced in those matters. Also tried to have a pick at my dΓ©colletΓ© but I refused. He said: ‘You see, you do not let me do anything and you expect me to be content without progressing fast?’

    I explained to him that I need more than that and there is no romance at all, no dates and he is not my man yet to be this open with him. Well, for now he can’t offer more than that and expects me to be sexually open first (especially at my age). The ex gave him what he wanted and he misses those experiences. I asked if he treated her like me when they first met and he said no, of course not. He was a different man back then, was in love, was affectionate, kind. They slept together after 3 weeks and started the committed relationship. He dated her the proper way.

    He said it is too complicated without explaing more. Tee, he is divorced now, why is it too complicated? I’m only guessing that it’s because he still has feelings for her and is not able to move on. But why complicated?

    I’m sorry for being too descriptive but I was trying to show you the whole picture of this situation. I am still trying to figure out and see if I could do or say things differently that day. I was taken by surprise and had no idea what to ask him or how to react. I felt completely lost and overwhelmed to see things clearly.

    Tee, what do think about that? And what would you say or do if you were in my place?

    Do you think that a woman who is happy to be more sexually open with him can conquer his heart? Or he will always miss his wife?

    Is he really devasted so much by his divorce and can’t find a way to deal with that? How can I help him? Is it the right moment to try to be just a friend for him?

    I’ve heard so many stories, where women started friendships with recently divorced men (even after refusing sex) and after a while they ended up together happily. It took some time but it was worth it. Could this apply to my situation? What are the good ways to do that without imposing too much?

    How long would you wait before trying to get closer to him again? I know that he is not a dangerous person so even going to his place won’t matter anymore. He is not at his best now and not being himself.

    My friend told me to tell him that I do not want to loose him completely or let him suffer in silence. She adviced to stay close but only as friend (no kiss, no touch etc.). But she is also not sure how and when to approach him. On the other hand, some online coaches advice to stay romantically involved but no sex.

    I have no idea what to do right now. I do not want to loose him completely but at the same time being sexually open without proper romance/feelings doesn’t feel enough.

    Tee, you have no idea what being able to talk to you means to me. I can even tell you that you are saving me from some desperate steps. I feel like you really understand me and the pain I have all my life.

    I pray for your health to get better πŸ™

    I’m looking forward to your message!

    Please take care of yourself! 🌸

    Big hug πŸ«‚

    Dafne

     

    #419055
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re also going through the similar struggles as I am. It is not easy at all.

    Are you also looking for a husband/partner?
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I feel unfulfilled in this area and it has a big impact on every woman’s life.</p>
    It might be too late for example for to have healthy kids (and still be able to be there for the grandkids), too late to find eligible men (as most man at that age are divorced with kids or forever bachelors and don’t want to get married), too late as after every rejection your mental and physical health suffers, too late as woman gets older faster than man and at certain age her chances to get married drop drastically etc. I know that there are some exceptions but what are the chances that it will be us?

    Staying positive is important but so is being realistic in our expectations…

    Have a good night

    Kind greetings πŸ™

    Dafne
    <p style=”text-align: center;”></p>

    #419051
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    How are you doing these days?

    You’ve been so helpful again! I really like your suggestions for the vision of a dream man and also the example text you created πŸ™πŸͺ·

    Tee, you were right about this last man. Unfortunately, it got even worst than I expected. I’ve sent him the text 3 days ago and till now he did not reply at all! (left me on seen).

    I can’t believe it. I’m not even worth a simple reply. All the promises written in the sand. I was so wrong about him. I thought he is suffering after his divorce and needs time. Now I can see that he has not even the smallest decency to be a man and reply.

    My friend suggested to give him a final call in few days to have a closure but I’m not sure if asking for reasons over the phone is a good idea? Also meeting him at his workplace might seem like too much.

    Also, my friend found his profile on the dating site so I guess he is busy with other women. I believe that they are more easy going & carefree than me so it makes him more interested 🀷

    He told me that he is not looking for anything serious but on the webpage it says that he is not sure yet. Might be a way to attract more women?

    Maybe the sexual compatibility is more important to him than getting to know someone as a person first. Maybe that’s how the relationships start nowadays and I was not aware of it.

    Tee, how is it that some women go easily for casual sex and it turns into a committed relationship? And women who wait with sex are ghosted in the end?

    Is there any way to know when is the best moment to start being physical with a man (and avoid being ghosted)? Some coaches say that it is not about sex on the 1 or 2 date but the emotional attraction you created before it happened. But how is it that those women create the bond so fast?

    It is all a big mystery to me…

    I regret that I let him be more than a friend. I was hoping that it might change something between us but it didn’t.

    I guess we never know until we try but then it hurts too much πŸ’”

    Thank you for listening Tee and your understanding πŸŒ·πŸ’–πŸ™

    Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

    Have a good night πŸŒ™

    Big hug πŸ«‚

    Dafne

     

    #418809
    Dafne
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Tee,</p>
    It felt really good to read your message. I understand now the concept of circular dating much better and also can see all the side effects it may have if overused. I’ll try to follow the coach you recommend me and heal my heart first.

    Tee, some days I feel really bad and helpless. My best friend moved abroad and I also can’t expand my love search to other places. I have to stay in my small town and help my elderly as they are in need. I feel stuck. I’m between helping them and trying to meet someone somewhere else before is too late. It would be ideal if things would work out with that last man I met. He is local, single now and loves his parents. Unfortunately, he has some other issues now.

    Tee, I know that you told me to not contact him first but I really feel like sending him the last message asking how he is doing and if he is up to meeting for that Yoga class or walk (not sure if I should suggest him a specific date and time?). And if he doesn’t answer or rejects the idea of meeting outside, I will move on and try to forget him. I’m not sure how to phrase it but would like to give it a try as he promised to do it without giving me a specific date. Last week his son was over at his place but this week might be a good moment to give it a last try.

    What do you think Tee? Would you help me to create that last text (to not sound desperate but nudge him to follow his promise in a light, funny way)? How would you write it?

    I would really appreciate it πŸ™

    Thank you for all your support dear. I don’t know what I would do without you. Your presence gave me hope for better tomorrow. I was really close to giving up on my life but thank to you a spark of light and a reason to stay is with me.

    Thank you Tee πŸ’

    Have a good night πŸŒ›β­οΈ

    Dafne

     

    #418743
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    I hope you had a good weekend.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I was trying to submit my new post but unfortunately it did not go through. So I’ll try to do it again today. I hope I did not forget anything :)</p>
    Thank you for looking into this concept in more details. I can feel you and completely relate to what you said regarding the physical intimacy. I could date more than 1 man but only in a platonic way. But how long a man can wait with a kiss or holding hands? I don’t think that very long. Also they always ask if I am seeing other men.

    My friend told me that the original concept comes from a lady named Rori Ray. I’ve checked her webpage and there are many women who have an anxious attachment style but found her concept helpful. There was 1 women who was romantically involved with a man that wasn’t ready for anything serious. She decided to also date 1 more man and now they are engaged. She did not tell the 1 man that she is dating around but kept her schedule busy. It might work for some people..

    I’ve also checked the coach that you know and I really like how she relates to women and their fears.

    I will try to learn more about it. Thank you for this great recommendation! πŸ‘

    To be honest with you I was feeling a bit sad and depressed in the past days as the last man did not contact me again. He told me that we will be going outdoors but nothing happened. I’m trying to figure out why. Maybe getting more romantic with him was a mistake and it was better to keep him as a friend till he is ready. Well, now is too late for that..

    Tee, do you think I should reach out to him first?

    Dating is so hard nowadays and leaves so many women heartbroken. I’m really feeling so confused with all the rules and playing games.

    You are giving me the hope to carry on with my life and to see the light that the loneliness may end one day.

    Thank you for listening 🌷

    Big hug πŸ«‚ πŸ€—

    Dafne

     

     

    #418544
    Dafne
    Participant

    Dear Tee,

    It was lovely reading you and seeing your perspective on my friend’s dating concept.

    Yes, it sounds good. I can see where are you coming from. Skipping the romantic bit completely till marriage did sound a little bit strange to me too. I know that in some religious communities it is normal and even expected to date without any physical/romantic relationship but otherwise not sure. So I asked her to give me more details. She explained that the concept she is talking about is called rotational dating. And you can be romantic (kiss, hug etc. but no sex) with other people but you don’t have to.

    “The concept of rotational dating, simply put, is the idea of dating more than one guy at the same time, till you have found that one man offers you the commitment you desire.”

    You get to decide what that commitment looks like for you.

    These are the connection-dates. It is meant to help the woman not to waste time on one person and later find out that he doesn’t even want relationship anymore and you lost time with him only and need to start all over again.

    This approach may help women with the anxious or anxious/avoidant attachment style to get emotional to early.

    What do you think Tee? Does it make more sense to you now? Would this concept help me to choose wisely and heal faster?

    What’s the difference to date casually and in rotation?

    Have a lovely weekend! 🌞

    Warm greetings and big thanks for being the light in my darkness ✨️

    Dafne

     

    #418496
    Dafne
    Participant

    Hello Tee πŸ™‚

    I’m really glad that you are still here. Thank you for taking time to answer my questions in more depth. I’m really grateful for you being there for me🌷

    I do not want to go on and on about him and how to make him emotionally available. You gave me the beautiful foundation of how to navigate the early stages of the meeting (especially after divorce).

    To summ up, next time he contacts me I will only accept meeting him in public (no going to his place for at least 2 more dates outside). I will find an excuse that the evening I’m busy and only day time works for now. If he doesn’t accept, I will say that I won’t be coming to his place. And that I can wait when he is ready for a more romantic relationship. We can stay friends for the moment being.

    Actually, he doesn’t text me, only before the meeting so that might also be a sign that he doesn’t want to bond emotionally.

    One of my friends came up with a new idea for dating. I’m curious what is your take on that. She advised not to be boyfriend/girlfriend until engagement. Basically we are connecting as friends, maybe kiss and hug (no sex with men). I can meet with more than 1 person and get to know without giving the benefits of a relationship. That’s her way to get married sooner than later.

    I’m curious, Tee, what is your opinion on that? Is it a good way and more effective than being boyfriend/girlfriend first? I would like to get married and not stuck in a relationship forever.

    Looking forward to your message.

    Have a blessed day!

    Warm greetings πŸ€—πŸ’–

    Dafne

     

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