hi

i was a bit down earlier in the afternoon. eventually. i decided to go for the gym, had some cardio and some strength training as well to get some happt hormones before i came back

i was a bit scared before i came back. i was afraid to see her stuffs around. but somehow when i came back, i felt ok. she left a paper cup in here and instead of thinking i needed to help her do chores( like laundry last time) while i m not her partner anymore, i just chuckled and was thinking how silly this person was. even she tried hard to throw away stuffs because she wanted me to feel better sooner, she left something here and there for me to settle. i guess that applied to both emotionally and physically. she was oblivious of my need after she proposed breakup, and of course there were many other similar ocassions when we dates. i think i have finally accepted that she really is this careless/ carefree person, and honestly, it probably because it doesnt matter to me that much anymore so i feel ok

last time when i knew her friend was helping her, i texted that friend and said thank you. i knew her via my ex. she was very worried about me and was asking how i was. she said my ex, her and another friend cared about me and hoped i would be ok soon. she also said she genuinely believed my ex grew up so much these few years, ane she said it was because of me. she was her friend for more than a decade so i believed it was true. she also said, while my ex fell out of love with me, i deserved someone who genuinely loved me and cared for me

i think another think that contributed to me feeling better, was i saw a video ok grief. essentially it means grief and love are tied together as a pact. so, since i loved, i cannot just disregard grief, even if we continue to be together and she dies earlier than i do. it is the same thinh that i need to deal with

and so i learned: we can grief and leave a space in the heart for this. she is still going to be everywhere: the supermarket we went, the place we travelled the restaurants we dined. i just need to give that emotions a space and allow it be there. since it will always be there

i think within one week, i think i have progressed well. i didnt beg or didny ask for reconsideration, nothing too dramatic except for day 1 or 2.

i just need to get used being alone now

re adoption, i am considering to foster care these animlas first, i think instead of committing to an animal while i didnt rasie any before, this will be an inerium way for me to know. who knows if i wont officially adopt it if we get along?