Hi, everyone. I know this is a very old thread but I’ve become somewhat desperate for insight into my own situation. There are certainly still things missing but this is a lot so sorry for  writing a book here.

Around Thanksgiving last year I reconnected with a girl I had been friends with as a child. We’re in our early 20s now and hadn’t seen each other in over 10 years. I had no idea I’d run into her but was happy to get reacquainted, and thought she was very attractive. However, I didn’t believe that we’d have much in common or get along very well at that point, so it didn’t go beyond that basic attraction.

Fast forward to winter break, around Christmas, I see her again. In that time her father had passed away. Having known her father, and also knowing what it was like to lose a father (my dad had passed away a few years prior) I wanted to tell her how sorry I was and offer any help I could. We ended up spending some time together and I began to think that we actually got along very well. We bonded over our shared pain at first, then our taste in music and art, and our shared values. We started spending a fair amount of time together. I started to develop a crush. Still, she lived far away from me, and I wasn’t sure that it was wise to say anything about it. I didn’t think she’d feel the same way, anyway.  After our last day hanging out before I was set to drive back to school though, I realized I already missed her. I’d never felt this way before. I’d been in one relationship before, but never really felt love for my ex. I knew I had to do something about it – I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I wouldn’t forgive myself otherwise. School was starting, but the next weekend I drove back to tell her how I felt.

We spent more time together the night I got there. I thought I might spit it out then, but as we stayed up late talking the subject matter got a bit sad. I decided to wait. My last night there I cooked dinner for her and we watched a movie. She told me we had to talk. I then spilled out how I felt, and she said she liked me back, but wasn’t sure it was a good idea considering the distance. I was ecstatic regardless, and neither of us seemed to care if it was smart or not. We hooked up that night and I thought things might go further, but she told me she couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. I had mixed feelings about her being unable to commit to me in any way, but I understood she was going through a lot and the situation was complex. I told her I’d wait for her, and we agreed to talk about it again when we next saw each other. I wasn’t sure we’d talk much in that time but we started texting almost every day.

I missed her so much just driving away, I almost immediately made plans to drive back again the following weekend. She thought it might be a bad idea, but we both wanted to see each other again while we could so I did the drive again and we spent another few nights together. Then she flew across the country to start school herself.

We texted all the time, and FaceTimed a couple of times a week. It was hard but it felt so worth it. After a few weeks we threw around the idea of me flying over to see her. The next month I did. We had another great 3 day weekend together, and on the last night we once again broached the topic of commitment. She still couldn’t do it and I was hurt, as it seemed her only issue with it was not being able to sleep with other people. I couldn’t understand how she could care about me as she claimed and still want to be with anyone else. I had said I’d wait, though, and even if it was uncertain I wanted to give it a chance. I’d get seriously bad anxiety on the weekends if she’d go out partying with her friends, knowing that she might sleep with someone else, but I told myself I was just being crazy and obsessive. I didn’t want my fears and anxiety to change how I saw her as a person. It continued like this for a while. Things would be great on some days, but some nights I’d be falling apart. I started to take antidepressants which then made it difficult to sleep and messed with my emotions even more. It would get so confusing. If I told her corny sweet things or sent her love songs she’d sometimes tell me my feelings for her were overwhelming but that she liked it. At one point I found out she still had dating apps on her phone and was upset, but tried to be understanding. She asked if it changed how I felt about her. I said that it would taking a lot for my feelings to change. She said that was sweet, but scary. She’d also always bring up perceived “tensions” that we had, such as me not liking hot weather or being disinterested in politics.

We talked about me visiting again, but ultimately she got too busy. Then she got distant. We began calling less and less. We still texted every day, but I worried that she was less interested. One night my anxiety got very bad and I was almost certain she was out with someone else. Before I could control myself but this time I sent a series of texts implying that I thought so. It wasn’t good. It could’ve been worse, but I wasn’t proud of it. In the morning she saw them and was quite upset about it. We spoke about it and I agreed to try to be chill about things.

Fast forward a bit, we hadn’t FaceTimed in almost a month (3+ weeks). I tried to be understanding as she was busy but when we finally did again she seemed disinterested. The next time we called I was less excited. She was still disinterested. There were now times when she’d ignore my texts for the entire day. I finally told her that it made me feel upset and that she didn’t care, and she blew up on me and said she needed space for a couple weeks before we’d see each other again. I was really hurt now and told myself I’d stop caring about her. I tried to detach by villainizing her but for the next 2 weeks I was in bad shape. I didn’t really want to lose what we had. We’d still text a little bit some days, and she’d say she missed me, but I had a hard time trusting her now. I got through it and was excited to see her in person again but something felt off. She didn’t seem very excited to see me, which worried me, and our first night together was slightly awkward. I chalked it up to anxiety over the last couple weeks. Things got better. We spent almost 2 weeks together and had a great time. It wasn’t perfect. I found out she still had a dating app downloaded. It didn’t hurt in the same way though… it made me sad, but more empty than anything. I cared, but I didn’t care. We finally had a serious talk again and she agreed to be exclusive, but made it seem as if she hadn’t been able to for my sake – so that I could find someone local. I was glad but it felt off. The night I dropped her off at the airport I cried. I never cry, but not seeing her for another 2 months was enough.

After that I started feeling empty. My libido decreased, and things didn’t really bring me much joy. We were talking a lot and things felt good between us but all of a sudden I started feeling like I didn’t miss her as much anymore. Then she told me she loved me. I said it back. It felt so good, and so right. But the next day I got absurdly anxious. I couldn’t do anything but lie on the floor or in the bathtub with the lights off. I felt like I was losing my feelings for her and I thought I’d rather die. This lasted for a couple of weeks. Then I started feeling terrible that I didn’t feel anxious. I obsessively googled questions related to it, leading me to this thread. I want to get these feelings back so badly. I visited her recently and some moments felt great. I’d feel so in love with her again. But some mornings I’d wake up and feel like I was next to a stranger. I don’t want to hurt her or lose what we had. She told me her last couple of boyfriends had suddenly lost feelings for her and that she worried about if mine were real. I think it was hard for her to open up to me, which is why things were difficult for a time. Why do I feel like this when things should finally be good? Am I the kind of person that just gets bored of someone? I still want to see her and call her, but I feel so empty inside. I feel like I just started shutting down when she said she needed space. My dad would often disappear for months, promise to come back, and then leave again. I want to rationalize it as being a trauma response. But I don’t know…. This girl is incredible and I’m so confused now. I just hope I can fix this.