Hi Anita

Thanks for your insight always.

I want to clarify: Seems to me that her subjective experience of “really tough“, made possible by effective compartmentalizing, is way less tough than your un-compartmentalized subjective experience of really tough.

do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?

Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box. i think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well, but I guess she treated me as partner and think she ‘should’ take more care of me. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed.

I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require, may be she knew i needed affirmation so she just did it and put the feelings away. She called this ‘let the feelings just go’ but in hindsight, she didn’t really let them go. She might not even realize they were there, but they probably were. This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore.

She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion. I trusted that and I thought we were stable, thus she did not need those these anymore. But now, the reason she proposed a break up was she lost ‘feelings’ for me. And I think back, aren’t the things that she mentioned she did not need, were one of the thing that caused the feeling slip away? Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away? i dunno.

At  a point I thought to myself: This person did not really know what she was feeling and wanting. From all the situations above, as well as from this break up. She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she need to move out (may be she just didn’t want to deal with the logistic etc i dunno) as if she did not know breaking up = I won’t be there to help with laundry/ help her take care of the movers; she needed to move out from the house.

I think your last paragraph: This technique is not meant to be a permanent solution to your life’s emotional challenges and daily stressors. It should only be used to manage overwhelming situations, with the understanding that you need to revisit processing and resolve the emotions you shelve. I resonate with that a lot. She seems to be using compartmentalization ineffectively, and thus it takes her almost a month and a half of break, to think of a situation which she knew a month and a half ago, which was that she didn’t have feelings for me.

I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations(she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed).

After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly. May be in her perspective, I just said I wanted to join in that morning. her trip was planned some times ago, she needed a getaway, she did not expect I would ask her to move out that quickly, It was tough for her to find a place and manage work at the same time. Things were just out of control. For me, all these are a matter of planning and priority. For her, she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well.

My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better.

thanks all