Dear Greg:

“I was literally battling up with malaria yesterday. Perhaps I’ve recovered now and feels physically fit“- I hope you did recover, Greg!

I am not any kind of expert at proofreading (and English is not my first language), or at applying for scholarships (in the U.S., in South Sudan or anywhere else in the world), so please keep that in mind as I do my best proofreading and commenting on your niece’s two answers (my comments are in parentheses and my re-writing suggestions are boldfaced):

Answer 1: Dear Admission officer, As a dedicated student with a passion for community service and leadership ( (I would write more directly: I am a dedicated student with a passion for community service and leadership, and), I have consistently sought opportunities to grow both academically and personally. My journey has been marked by academic excellence, active involvement in community work, and a commitment as a housewife too,  leading with integrity and purpose. (add detail, ex., if her household includes children: and a commitment as a housewife, teaching my children to have integrity and purpose in life).

I have excelled academically (give a bit of detail what “excelled academically” means, like what grades did she earn), earning a place on the school ’s List (what is the title of the List? For ex., List of Excellence) for three consecutive years, and being awarded a prestigious scholarship for my hardworking (hard work) in (the) science section at Kuajok Comprehensive College. My coursework in sustainable development (I would underline or italicize “sustainable development”) and participation in a capstone project (again, I would underline or italicize “capstone project”) of academic (delete “of academic”) on renewable energy solutions have equipped me with the knowledge and skills essential for making a meaningful impact.
My commitment to community service is reflected in my work with (the) Samaritan clinic (Samaritan Clinic) as an affiliate offered (delete “offered”), where I volunteered to organize clean-up drives and educational workshops in underprivileged areas. Leading a team of volunteers, I successfully raised awareness about environmental conservation, reaching over 12 community members. This experience not only honed my organizational skills, but also deepened my understanding of the importance of grassroots activism.
In my role as Head perfect (Head Perfect, if both words are in the title of her role, also, underline or italicize it) of the Kuajok Comprehensive College, I spearheaded initiatives aimed at promoting sustainability on campus. This included organizing a campus-wide recycling program and collaborating with local businesses to reduce waste. Navigating the challenges of coordinating a large team and managing logistics, I developed strong leadership and communication skills, which were crucial in the program’s success.
Balancing (a) rigorous clinic hospital with part-time work to support my education and house chores has been a significant challenge. Overcoming this taught me time (self-)management, perseverance, and the value of hard work. Additionally, coping with a major personal loss (perhaps give a minimal detail of the kind of loss, just a few words) during my sophomore year was a turning point that strengthened my resilience and determination to excel.
With a blend of academic excellence, community engagement, and proven leadership, I am confident in my ability to contribute positively to (the) Nursing Program at Ayii  university (University), if award this opportunity (if I am awarded this valuable opportunity). I am eager to bring my skills, experiences, that I’ll earned in this role, and to continue growing as a leader committed to making a difference. (I am eager to bring my skills and experience to the Nursing Program at Avii University, and continue to grow as a leader, committed to making a difference).

Answer 2:  Dear Admission Officer, If given this opportunity to study medicine, I’ll truly (delete “truly”) use this knowledge and experience, that will equipped me with the skills (delete “that will equipped me with the skills”) to address critical healthcare challenges in underserved populations. I am particularly driven to use and improve healthcare in South Sudan, where disparities in access to essential services are profound.

*Educational Background:** My academic journey has been focused on understanding and addressing health inequities. Through the little experience I’ve earned from Tonj Civil hospital (Hospital) and health systems management (underline or italicize “health systems management”), I have gained a comprehensive understanding of the social determinants of health and the strategies needed to combat them. Additionally, my dream is to be (a) medical attendant, to save the life (lives) of vulnerable  people, settings honed (delete “setting” and instead: honing, or refining) my ability to deliver patient-centered care, particularly in resource-limited environments.

“Understanding of the Challenges in South Sudan:** South Sudan faces significant healthcare challenges, including high maternal and child mortality rates, widespread infectious diseases, and a severe shortage of healthcare professionals. The ongoing conflict and displacement have further exacerbated these issues… I envision a future where basic healthcare services are available to even the most remote communities, where maternal and child health outcomes are significantly improved, and where the burden of infectious diseases is greatly reduced. I am committed to ongoing learning and adapting my strategies to meet the evolving needs of the population, ensuring that my efforts have a lasting and positive impact.”- I have no proofreading or other suggestions to this part, reads excellent to me. I like the humility in being “committed to ongoing learning and adapting my strategies”, in combination with her positive attitude/ optimism that she will have a “lasting and positive impact”.

I am impressed by your niece’s intelligence, education and plans to help improve healthcare in South Sudan!

anita