It seems to me like different people prioritise different needs.

For me, I prioritise trust, respect, being seen and understood and my individual needs mattering.

Growing up, I didn’t have those things. I realised that I literally never had a single person care for my emotional needs as a child. My first experience of someone trying to meet my emotional needs was in therapy. I was always the person who took care of everyone else’s emotional needs and while mine were ignored.

There is still quite a bit of pain about that. Not as much as it used to be. It used to feel like a bottomless void when I was younger. Now it just feels like a sadness that lingers. Being rejected by not one, but two families is hard and it colours my life to this day.

I’m very focused on my son being happy and getting his childhood right because I don’t want him to suffer like I did.

There is a level of anxiety in my daily life and difficulties with conflict.

The past leaks into the present and it is hard.

On the plus side, my son smiled in his sleep. That makes me feel like I’ve done a good job. He laughs and smiles every day.

The relationship with my husband has suffered since I became pregnant and had a baby. We are trying to fix things and work together as a team but it is not easy.