Dear Helcat:

I like the title of the book, “Secure Love“- I think that this is what love is about: to cause the object of our love to feel secure in our love (as much as it is possible to do). To be worthy of our loved-one’s trust.

“We have both been through some very similar things. It’s crazy how two people (our mothers) can be so alike on different sides of the world from different cultures. It is a shame that we had those experiences. No child deserves that“- It is indeed a shame, and neither little girl anita, nor little girl Helcat, two vulnerable girls on different sides of the world, deserved it.

“I’m very tired and I need to pace myself with the exercises in that book. Bringing up my trauma hurts a lot… I hope that it can help to unpick, the past from the present and make the present less painful, so the past can stay in the past“- it’s a gentle process, no rushing it, as you know.

I haven’t been in contact with my mother for over 10 years (May 2013 was the last time I talked to her on the phone. On Jan 2014 I sent her a message through my sister). A few days ago, I heard a mention of her and that she (still) has big pictures of me on the wall in her apartment. At first I felt a tinge of emotion/ guilt, as in my loving mother has pictures of me on her wall, and I am depriving her from contact with me. But then I realized it’s a lie, that her presentation (on the wall) is a false presentation.

A huge, necessary part in my eventual success (to a large extent) in separating the past from the present, and leaving the past in the past, has been separating truth from lies: she claimed (still claims, I am guessing), to love me, but a person who loves does not terrorize, and repeatedly, the supposed object of their love: never to address what they did, never to express regret for what they did, never to repent for what they did, and do their best to correct and make amends.

* by terrorize, I mean, in my case: explicit and expanded-upon threats to kill herself, threats to kill me, actual beatings (hitting my face/ body with her hands, arms and legs), and explicit and expanded-upon verbal shaming, false accusations, and guilt-tripping, going on and on and on until she was exhausted (and then accsing me for … exhausting her).

“Sleep deprivation really is a form of torture“- there was a time when I slept less than I do now, staying up at night thinking, so much so that for the longest time I just got up and posted on tiny buddha in the very early hours of every day, giving up the efforts to sleep. I sleep much better now, in comparison. An attitude change that helped me was, that at one point, while lying awake, I decided to no longer try to or expect to sleep. Instead, I expected to rest (while awake).

Another thing that helps sometimes is that while awake, since I am thinking (and can’t not-think), I choose to think not about current happenings and people in my life, but about someone or something that has never has been part of my life.  it’s a more.. rest and sleep-compatible kind of thinking

“I managed to control my feelings and talk to my husband from a place of vulnerability, it went well.“- well done, Helcat!

anita