Hi Anita

I think that it’s really hard talking about these things. I cope with it by rationalising. It’s not always helpful. At times it might help me, other times not so much and it might not help other people.

It is hard to be vulnerable when talking about trauma. To be honest, it made me sad thinking about the way you were treat. You deserved so much more.

Her values are twisted. Kindness and love are what I value. You embody that. Your inherent value is known and recognised by everyone here.

That is honestly fair if you don’t want to talk about that. I’m sorry for bringing it up. Understanding and caring for Anita is infinitely more helpful. It makes sense that because you spent so much effort trying to care for her and understand her in the past, it is harmful for you to do that.

We are two different people, what helps one might not help the other. I spent a long time hating my mother for what she did, I thought that forgiving her was impossible. For me, understanding my mother helped me to forgive her for the horrible things she’d done, but didn’t excuse them, it just explained the situation. For a long time I felt the situation very personally. Like it was me particularly that made her behave in that way. Like I deserved it. That is what she said after all, I just believed her. Finally understanding that it wasn’t me, I was just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of her complicated nonsense in a way brought a measure of relief. The diagnosis ultimately told me nothing that I didn’t already know. I have been learning about the outcomes for children of people with this condition out of curiosity.

Knowing about the diagnosis when I was younger could have been harmful, because I might have been too understanding. If that makes sense? It feels like understanding is a delicate balance and it is important to retain empathy for ourselves first and foremost.

Protecting and caring for ourselves is the most important thing. Our first duty is towards taking care of ourselves because no one will do it for us.

I am sorry that you didn’t sleep well. I hope that you sleep better tonight. I hope that you do something really nice and special for yourself. You 100% deserve that.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏