Dear Sammie:

Welcome back to the forums!  “My friends didn’t really believe me. How could they? They see the polished, put together version of him. I saw the monster that lay beneath the surface“-

– you’ve seen the monster the first time you were introduced to him: “The first time I was introduced to him, he lured me to his apartment under false pretences… We get to his apartment and he offers me a drink… He starts talking about my shoes and how I should take them off…  he came over to me to forcefully take off my shoes himself. I fought him off and he grabbed me by the wrists. I had to fight him off me“.

You told your friends about his behavior (I see it as a physical assault, an attempted rape), but they “didn’t really believe” you. “They said he was having a bad day“, and you felt guilty for making “an issue out of nothing“. You saw him times again when he wasn’t that bad (“he was not always this bad“), and eventually, you got into a relationship with him, a relationship that turned out to be that bad: “I had no autonomy over my mind or my body. ‘No’ was not a word he understood… My body was his whenever he wanted. He told me it wasn’t mine anymore… I was losing control of my reality. Constantly being told I was a liar and manipulator… (I was) begging and pleading for forgiveness while being gaslit… He has been cheating on me throughout the relationship… He would look at me with pure disdain on his face, sometimes with cold, unfeeling, vacant eyes. It was like I was looking at a beast to be feared“.

“Where has the nice version of him gone?… I wonder, why would someone treat me like this? How could he be so cruel yet tell me I needed to be better? How could he call me a liar when he was cheating on me?“-

– reads like the nice version of him was pushed down when the monster, the beast to be feared took over. I am sorry that you- and others- have been on the receiving end of his abuses.

“My life is dancing. I perform in shows. I have lots of friends and my heart is full of love for them. While I was with him, my life was grey. Now my life shimmers iridescent. I’m a world traveler. I’ve seen incredible places and met even more incredible people. I am loved. I am very fortunate and I am always grateful… But sometimes, on days like today, I miss him. I miss what we should have been. I miss what we could have been…I have a new boyfriend now. It’s different. It’s calm. It’s safe. But I feel empty. I feel apathy. I worry that I won’t be able to feel again. Thank you for listening to my story.“-

– You are welcome, and thank you for telling your story. Talking about versions, reads like perhaps you too have two versions: one is a loved, iridescent, very fortunate, dancing, a world-traveler version, and the other version is.. you tell me (if you relate to what I am saying)..?

anita