Dear  Sammie:

In the first part of my reply, I want to go over some of what you shared in your previous thread Broken After Being Left (he disappeared), May 26 – June 3, 2023: you shared that your previous boyfriend routinely lied to you, cheated on you, ignored you, disappeared and came back to you, only to disappeared again, and he did all this throughout the years-long relationship.

On your part, you tried to be thoughtful and understanding of him (“I tried to be thoughtful and compassionate as he has family issues and problems with his mum… I was always trying to be understanding…  I could see he was hurting deeply and I picked up on low self esteem“), while being scared of him (“I was very scared of emotional abuse and him being cold to me. He would hide his emotions so I was afraid of what he could be like if angered but never actually saw him angry“), angry at him (“I did nothing wrong. I tried to be lovely all the time and it isn’t fair because he lied and cheated. It feels like bad people always win. It’s not fair“), confused and in disbelief (“I’m stuck in a loop of confusion and it is preventing me from moving forward… I feel anger sometimes but mostly I’m in disbelief. I’d say I can’t believe that it came so out of the blue“).

You shared that you were scared of being alone, and “I’ve not been without a boyfriend since I was 13 (I’m now 34 years old)“, that you don’t know how to meet new people (“I’m 34 and I don’t know how to meet new people”), and: “When I am well, I am self sufficient. I own my house, travel by myself and generally don’t have any problems making new friends“.

You also shared: “I’m petite and very small…  I’m a scientist for my job“, “I don’t want a repetition of this pain and trauma“, and “I would like the option of being able to meet someone when I am ready but at the moment I see the damage that my last relationship has caused. It is currently preventing me from having a future with someone new. I’m not sure how to get past this fear of men when they are potential romantic partners“.

Fast forward from June 2023 to Aug 21, 2024: “I’ve been all over the world since last we spoke – Italy, Japan, Singapore, Indonesia, the Philippines. I’ve had so many incredible experiences and met incredible people. Life has been challenging and put my faith in the wrong person again but I have learned more life lessons” (in your old thread).

In your new thread Loving Again After A Toxic Relationship (Aug 2024), you shared that you are a dancer and performer (“My life is dancing. I perform in shows“), that in the last year or so, you had another toxic relationship that was concluded, that you have lots of friends and a new boyfriend: “I have a new boyfriend now. It’s different. It’s calm. It’s safe“,  but in regard to the most recent abusive ex-boyfriend, you wrote (Aug 21, 2024): “But sometimes, on days like today, I miss him. I miss what we should have been. I miss what we could have been… I feel empty. I feel apathy. I worry that I won’t be able to feel again“.

You shared that when you were first introduced to your most recent abusive boyfriend, he lured you to his apartment and tried to take off your shoes: “My instinct was that I was very tall in my shoes, taller than him and while I am taller, he cannot make a move on me. I need to keep my shoes on to be safe“- I understand your need at the time to keep your high heeled shoes on, because as you shared a year ago, you are “petite and very small“, and therefore, more vulnerable to physical abuse or attack, even by a man as short as this most recent abusive man was (being that you, a petite and very small woman, even on high heeled shoes, was taller than him).

In your most recent post, you shared that the most recent abusive boyfriend told you that you needed to stop lying (“He said I needed to stop lying all the time about who I am and about being good at things“), that you’ve been having therapy last year and currently, and that the “therapy at the moment is focusing on switching the narrative away from the things this awful man said to me and instead focusing on my self confidence“.

To me, you wrote: “Anita, thank you for your words“- you are welcome!

“Your words have validated me. For so long I’ve been treated like I’ve been making a fuss over nothing. My instincts were to stay away, but I was told otherwise by people who had not witnessed what I had“- I didn’t witness your experience at his apartment the night he lured you in, just as your friends didn’t witness it. My reaction was based on what you shared. I have no idea (!!!) how anyone, based on what you shared with them (if it’s the same as what you shared on your thread) can possibly perceive his behavior on that night as okay, or as him just having a bad day (“They said he was having a bad day“).

“The two versions of my life: the one where I feel grey, controlled, attacked. Or the one where I am surrounded by people I love and who love me back, in a supportive and warm environment“- I wonder if most of the time, when one version is On, the other is Off, as in, it’s one version or the other?

“I’ve been upset today. It’s hard sometimes with my new boyfriend because his kind words and support can be jarring and can catch me off guard“- kind words are jarring and catch you off guard; abusive words (such as the two ex-boyfriends’ words) are calming, in a way (opposite to jarring), something expected?

Abusive words and behaviors/ emotional abuse.. is something you experienced as a child, growing up? (Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions).

It might be that abusive men are excite you, in that their abusive behavior trigger your child intense hope that this time, the abuser will change into a nice person, just for you.

“Then when I think humans can be so nice so why are there humans who can be so cruel?“- my mother was both at different times: very nice, or very cruel. I grew up very confused, and only recently have I experienced a much-needed clarity.

“Change the narrative, I found the strength to stand up for myself and I’ve moved forward to a better life. I don’t feel scared anymore. I don’t feel anxious…“- is this the 2nd version of you: the confident, iridescent, loved, very fortunate, and always grateful (your words) version of you?

anita