Dear Anita,

I could use a piece of advice. These last days I’ve been really struggling to make up my mind and I find it very difficult and stressful. I feel burned out by my own thoughts and the more I think, the more paralyzed I feel.

So far, this year has been a tough one. It started with a big argument with my parents, then struggled to find work in Warsaw, decided to go to Spain and start teaching, only to come back to Warsaw after 3 months. After spending 2 weeks there, I realised my girlfriend’s mother isn’t very keen on me being there so I decided to go back to Romania. The plan was to apply for jobs in Warsaw and come back once I have some work opportunities. Her mother wasn’t keen on me being there without a job, also not knowing for how long I’m staying. Well.. I didn’t really know that myself. Anyway.. so I came to Romania at the end of July and started applying for jobs. Well its been more than 2 months now and there are some opportunities. I thought it was going to take me less time but maybe the holiday season had something to do with that. Towards the end of August my phone started ringing.

Now… in the mean time I’ve had some time to think of things and of course, the topic of doing something meaningful kept arising. At the beginning of this year I wanted to do a course and become a personal trainer in Romania. I wanted to do it in Romania because I couldn’t do it in Poland ( they don’t have any courses in English ) so it made sense to do it here. I didn’t do it then. Those arguments with my parents put me on the first plane back to Warsaw. That was, my plan for this year… but then ended up in Spain teaching English, having headaches, feeling disconnected, going back to Warsaw, not quite having a place to live, not quite knowing what to do, then coming here.

While I was taking a walk in the nature with my girlfriend, the topic of my future job came up and both of us realised that, maybe I could still do that course I didn’t do at the beginning of this year. Being a certified trainer could find me a job in a gym in Warsaw or anywhere else and this way I would do something that matters ( to me at least ), something that improves the quality of life of my community, something healthy and also something I’m good at. My girlfriend encouraged me to do the course, then and now. She things that job would fit me a lot better than any corporate job. Indeed, when thinking of working these corporate jobs I feel like I would again take a de-tour. I would do some mambo-jumbo, until something happens and I again, stop. I do feel that, sooner or later I will probably come back to that course anyway.

Now, it gets even more complicated. My parents offered to pay for my trainer course, then in January and now. The are questioning the validity of the course and they are not convinced it would help me get any work. But then again, they come from a different generation and they think going back to University is the way to go. Anything less than that must be bullshit. They think, in order to get a job as a trainer you need to go to Uni. However, they are willing to pay for my course if I decided I wanted to do it. Of course, part of me wants to do it. Taking a corporate job makes no sense at all… but then again, it would make sense to become financially independent from my parents and go live with my girlfriend.

I am faced with a very tough choice to make. Do I take the corporate job, do something that’s against my values, but get my financial independence and live with my girlfriend? or Do I stay here couple of months longer and do the trainer course and after that go to Warsaw and find a job. ( which could still be a corporate job, but having the course might get me a job in a gym ). If I don’t have the course I will have no other option.

If I go there, I’d be ( for a while ) doing something I don’t like in order to afford standing on my own feet, living with my girlfriend. This scares me a little, because every time I worked something I didn’t like, I suffered very deeply. The teaching job is a good example. The online job I previously had, which I enjoyed a lot, is also a good example of a time when I felt more balanced.

If I stay here longer and I do the course, I won’t be financially independent ( for a while longer ) but I would gain a new qualification that could open some new doors for me. It could also be the case that I won’t find work as a trainer and I would still need to do the corporate stuff. ( until I do..) The problem with this is that I don’t feel good about prolonging my dependency on my parents financial support. Also I would be away from my girlfriend for longer.

These last weeks I kept talking about it to my girlfriend… and our conversations had been mainly on these topics. Not good if you ask me.. too much analysis of my complex situation and not much couple talk left. But you know, I have this ”problem” – I seem to disconnect emotionally from her once she’s gone.. I seem to protect myself from missing her and being close to her over the phone. She is also very stressed, she misses me and she doesn’t know when we’ll be seeing each other again. However, she doesn’t try to manipulate my decisions in any way. She encourages me to do as a I feel its best. She encourages me to do the course, because she knows that would serve me better than the corporate jobs. She also encourages me to take any job in order to gain my financial independence. Fair enough. I’m glad she’s being so supportive.

But it’s such a hard decision to make. I already feel burned out after writing all this. I feel foggy and paralysed. Feels wrong to again, do work that doesn’t align with my values… only to give up later because of stress. ( at least that has been the case before ). I do realise that I might need to work on myself. Maybe being so stressed, not being able to hold on to a job challenges something in me that isn’t ready or yet healed. Okay, that might be the case. Also, being a highly sensitive person I might have a healthy reaction to jobs that don’t align with my values. This could also be the case.

Now.. there are many people that work jobs they don’t like. Actually most people – according to many studies. The reason for that very often is their need to be independent ( that would be my guess ). Maybe they don’t have much of a choice. Or maybe they have an ”escape” plan and they will later on follow their dream. Some are maybe afraid of expressing their true values and choose to follow instructions. What do I know?

There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world. I feel it very often and I’m trying to accept it. Very often I judge the world for being ”fucked up”, people for being unaware, blind, brainwashed, disconnected from their true nature, letting themselves be manipulated, get fat, eat sh*t food and believe whatever they hear on television. Some of that might be true. I’ve been told I see the world as something hostile and I think everyone is against me. That I judge people who do corporate jobs without understanding their reasons, without knowing anything about them. I guess some of that might be also true.

One things is obvious to me. Something in me is transforming. I’d like to believe for the best. I can’t go on like this… this makes no sense to me. Something needs to change and maybe it is changing right now. It’s always darkest before dawn.

Okay, I’m properly burned out now, I gotta take a walk and ground myself a little.

I could really use your support… I don’t know what to do. I wrote here as I feel and I tried to be as objective as I can. I tried not to let myself be too naive and see both options with their positives and negatives.

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate your insights 🙂

Take good care,

Robi