Dear Robi:

I want to add to yesterday’s post: “I was very attached to them as child (very young  barely remember something), but as I grew up I started liking them less and less… I hated them“- liking them less and less, even hating them, does not mean that your strong attachment to them was- or is- gone. It means that layers of dislike and strong anger were added to the strong attachment, a complex emotional state to have.

(Written in Spain): “Almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense…I cry quite often… I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there”-

– the boldfaced is evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents. What I didn’t boldface is your confusion because of.. the confusing added dislike and anger to the attachment.

Dislike and anger do not undo emotional attachment. I was very attached to my mother for decades while disliking her and angry at her.

(Still in Spain): “It seems like they want me to be happy and this time it feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot“- the boldfaced is more evidence of your emotional attachment to your parents.

(In Spain): “Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher… ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED… I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?“- maybe because you missed home, wanting to be with your parents (a strong emotional attachment).

In Poland: “I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother?… I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact… very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like:  oh, she’s here again… I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood… I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other“- this is how you felt from one point on, growing up with your mother: angry, chronically angry, trapped and angry, not wanting her around while still needing (a different version of) her.

Imagine an angry boy, an angry teenage Robi, waiting.. waiting for his real mother (a loving version of the mother you had) to replace the mother he didn’t like, the one he wanted gone. Imagine that boy still within you, waiting.

Imagine a boy who refuses growing up- becoming adult before he finally gets his real mother, so that he can finally have  the free, un-trapped childhood he never had.

Poland, Feb 22, 2024: “Today I’ve bought my plane ticket to go to Spain. I’m going in the first of March. New Month, New Beginning“- I think that the real, lasting New Beginning for you would be to grieve the mother you didn’t have, the father you didn’t have, and the childhood you didn’t have. So, to start a new chapter in the book telling your story, instead of waiting for the old chapter to be re-written.

Spain, May 19, 2024: “I still think we can be a family“, Romania, July 8, 2024: “I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better“- this is the boy Robi hoping and waiting for the old chapter to be re-written (an impossibility).

Romania, Sept 3, 2024: “There’s a part of me that is still anxious and scared to meet the world“- I think that this part of you is Robi-the-boy who is waiting for a re-do, a child not ready to meet an adult world. Can a different part of you, Robi-the-adult, take his hand and walk him step by step toward a lasting exit from the old chapter?

anita