Hello all,

Firstly I would like to say that this is an incredible thread and that reading it has helped me a lot these past couple of days. I would like to share my story; perhaps I will feel better by sharing it. Please feel free to share your thoughts.

I met this girl in our Freshman year in college and we immediately hit it off and started dating. We were both new to romance and shared many firsts throughout the years. The first year passed by and looking back, this was one of those honeymoon years. Going to different states for the summer was tough and we had a lot of disagreements and arguments about the silliest things, but when we came back together after the summer and took things slowly, it ultimately made us stronger as a couple. However, things wouldn’t end there and a lot of emotions were swirling through the Fall months and it was definitely the worst semester for both of us. We would get into arguments more frequently but it was mostly good. January (now roughly 1.5 years of dating) she wanted to break up with me. She felt like I wasn’t the one for her and was super thankful that I had been such a great person to her for our time knowing each other. We had a long conversation about our future and eventually, she realized that she didn’t want to spend her days without me. That was one of the most insane nights I ever had and I was somehow pretty calm about everything. I would learn that my “trauma response” is shallow but long as this night would be a hard thing to shake off, but it only ever affected me if she asked to have a serious conversation because that would remind me of that night. After this long discussion, things went way up. We had a strong finish to the school year and again went our separate ways for the summer, but this time, despite not being physically close, we felt like we were always together. I should mention here that we were both very physically shy, so our relationship was heavily defined by how we felt for each other and the physical aspect was not nearly as prevalent to keep our relationship afloat. We enjoyed ourselves around once a week but just being with each other was enough. The following year (2 years of dating to 2.7ish years of dating) was the best year by far. We felt extremely close, comfortable, etc. with each other and it was amazing. When the summer came, she had to study for the MCAT (medical school entrance examination) which was highly stressful and our calls over the summer were limited but I stayed strong and never made her feel like I needed more attention or anything. That summer was way harder for her, but I did my best to help her in whatever way I could. As soon as she finished the MCAT, she and her family went on vacation where we would barely be able to talk for around 2 weeks. According to her, it was around this time that she felt the feeling that a lot of posts in this thread describe: randomly and suddenly falling out of love. However, this one was different from the ones described here. It was a full month before she told me all this and said we should break up. I did my best to understand her reasons and she had two. The first: she felt like she couldn’t separate herself from us and wanted to find herself and didn’t want to be in a relationship. This is a similar sentiment to the first time we almost broke up and I accepted this. The second: she felt that I was not the one for her. She described this thing called the triangle of love, where a healthy relationship has three points: intimacy, passion, and commitment. She felt she had two of these: intimacy and passion. She lacked commitment. It must have been so hard to come to terms with this and I feel so sorry she had to go through this. It is very clear that she still likes me romantically and physically, but she wanted to separate because she, at the moment, doesn’t see me as the one for her future. Rather than lead me on, she would rather end things. I appreciate this immensely, but it will take some time to get over.

The main problem I am having is that she was so perfect. The literal dream girl for me. It was an actual love at first sight for me. This was the same feeling for her. We were best friends and lovers. We will still be best friends. It was just super puzzling to me that all of a sudden she felt this way and seeing a lot of the conversations here made me feel it would be worth it to post my story.

I saw that a person’s life experiences are important indicators of behavior. I am a strong person and while it may take some time, I am willing to move on. However, if this is an underlying issue, I want her to know so that she can get the aid she needs and avoid this feeling in the future, whoever she may be with. She was extremely shy physically (I was too, though not as extreme), and physical milestones took a while to achieve. We had regular “sexy time”, which evolved as time went on. It took nearly the full 3 years to be ready for sex. This was not a bad thing by any means because I discovered that I am not someone who can jump right into that sort of stuff. Her home is stable with one exception, her father. While I am not too certain of a lot of the details, I will share what I know. When I met her, her Dad’s contact on her phone was blocked. Not even a year before, her parents got divorced. Her father was not a family man and wouldn’t help out in any way. Some of the stories I have heard left me shocked. She was never physically abused (I don’t know if there has been any emotional or mental abuse since this is pretty subjective) and their relationship has been steadily returning to that of a father and a daughter. Until she met me and we started dating, she didn’t believe in love because her parents were never in love (arranged marriage) and it was very tough on her mother. She also has a younger brother, who is awesome and not a problem whatsoever, and her maternal grandparents play a big part in her life and they are super kind and have a nice relationship themselves. Her mother’s siblings all have complicated relationships with their spouses too, though none as extreme.

What I really want to know is this: what can I do to ensure that she never has to “fall out of love” again? I had an excellent three years but I also don’t want to be with someone who isn’t ready to commit, so I am not going to try and convince her to come back or anything. I just want her to experience true love like we had but the next time, she stays in love.