Hello Anita

Wish you well.

Earlier last week I texted her and asked her to take her things back.  She left something in one of the cabinets in my apartment, which she must have missed. I told her I would leave it in the yoga studio where we usually go together. After a week, my teacher was asking if I would take it back next time, meaning she hasn’t taken the stuff away.

So I texted her early this week, seeing if she would take things back. If not I don’t want to occupy the yoga studio’s space. I also follow up with asking how she would attend the classes further. There were times I wanted to attend the class that we usually attended, but I also understand those might be the only classes that she could go, so I deliberately skipped them. I think I don’t want to just be the one taking care of this: dismissing what I want( to attend certiain class), while she might not need me to do so as she is not going anyways/ might not care etc.

She suggested some ways and one of which was just to use a google form to write down when we plan to go. I thought it was a bit sad to revert to this, while I thought we could just text each other like normal interaction. So I counter suggested that I would just text her if I want to attend the classes, to which she said ok. Later that night I texted her and said I didn’t even know if she appreicates my initiation, and that I deliberately skipped lessons to give us some space, i said I hoped we could speak like normal eventually. and asked her to let me know what she thinks. At the back of my mind, I think this is familar: She said ‘ok; to smth, and I was to naive to believe that she was ‘ok’ ,  but she wasn’t.

She then said, she apprecaited it. She also said she was too emotional still and was afraid if any of our conversation went sour, she could not handle, and so she wished to limit the interaction. She said I might think it’s easy for her to move on, but she was still in so much pain.

So I told her that may be, using google form is a better balance of what I want(attend classes) and what she needs(have limited/ no interaction), so at least she wouldn’t get a random text from me.

A few days later, my feelings towards this emerged: Why is she in such a pain? did I do something wrong again?(I think that’s my default mode to reflect what i have done and they are usually bad things) I think I knew I didn’t. I think the only thing I did was to protect my boundary: asked her and her stuffs to move away asap, respecting my own needs and right to attend the classes. But seeing her so paralzed , almost unable to talk to me after a month and a half, I feel there is something off, and I really wanted to fix it.

My friend told me she might not know what she has done, how what she did affect me and how badly she treated me throughout, so when I really stood up for myself, she suddenly realized it was not ok, and that I would set my boundaries all of a sudden once she said she wanted to break up, which shocked her so much. It is entirely possible that if I didn’t do that, she would not feel the impact of the breakup, althoug she chose for herself. So she said it was not on me, she should really feel the pain for what she chose and what she did.

I still cry, I still miss her sometime. But I now think this is a necessary process for my healing.

Yesterday I went to the cat adoption centre, There were two cats that I particularly connected with. One is a 2  year old male and the other is a 1 year old girl. The girl has one eye that has problem and not really functioning. I am tryint to find out more medical background(if any), and I am trying to use a week or two , to imagine how it feels like if there is an animal around. Literally picturing an animal walking in my flat. I remember your lesson, and I will try to expect the unexpected, especially these animals came from different backgrounds and they might have various kinds of issues prior.

Have a good day, take care!

Clara