Dear Carol:

You shared that you got pregnant, next, “a small, elopement style wedding” was planned,  your wedding dress altered to accommodate the growing belly, but then, 2 weeks before the wedding, you had a miscarriage.

You have let  your aunt know of the wedding schedule, that she needs to arrive at the suite (where preparations for the wedding were to take place) at 9:30 am, but she ignored your schedule and planned to arrive 2 hours later (your daughter told you this). Next, alerted by your daughter, you called your aunt and “her reply was that of course she’ll come, and come earlier if I wanted!“. Next, after she arrived at the suite, she “seemed annoyed, she was quiet and just generally had a ‘face’ on her but never said what was wrong“.

“I’d hoped she’d sit with me, that we’d have a laugh and a joke, she’d do her makeup/hair with me and that I’d have a nice morning spending time with my family. But that never happened. At some point she’d put her makeup on and done her hair in private and each time I caught a glimpse of her she looked annoyed and was quiet.. The wedding car arrived and we set off for church. Suddenly, my aunt was lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely. I was still frustrated that she’d ignored me all morning… She also generously put £500 in a wedding card and is now acting lovely, and kind which leaves me confused. I’m really Interested to know what other people would think about my auntie’s behaviour in the morning and if you’ve any suggestions about what you’d say to my aunt (or not). Thank you for reading.“-

– You are welcome. I read all your posts in previous threads, trying to get clues as to what’s been happening between you and your aunt, and what motivates her. You didn’t share about your aunt/ family in previous threads, but what I learned from the other threads is that you are honest and straightforward, quite assertive,  and very likeable (in my mind). You are clear about what you think, feel and want, telling it like it is: no efforts to hide, to misrepresent people and situations, no efforts to present yourself as better than other people, or as someone who makes no mistakes.. and a genuinely nice person.

Talking about being genuinely nice, your aunt June’s niceness seems less than genuine. For example, your daughter told you how- not nice-  June behaved when she planned to be 2-hours late to the suite. But the moment you called her, she was super nice. Seems like the appearance of nice. Same change from not-nice at the suite to => super nice on the way to the church.

Unlike you, seems to me that June is very unassertive and absolutely not straight forward. Passive-aggressive is more like it. Clearly, she didn’t want to spend quality time with you in the suite. Seems to me that she is angry at you, judgmental of you, at least sometimes, and repeatedly so.

Maybe she is jealous of your ability to be assertive (something she can’t bring herself to be), and she felt like you were bossing her around simply because you asserted yourself with her (examples: “I said don’t put it in the sink, put it in the bath“, “I said please don’t put it there“). People who are unable to assert themselves often get angry and feel that they are being bossed around and/ or taken advantage of when they are not because they can’t say No, and they will not take personal responsibility for this inability.

Maybe she didn’t like your then fiancé (now husband), maybe she disapproved of your involvement with men.. (?)

“I find my auntie difficult, we are close and she sort of acts like a mother to me but at the same time causes me a lot of stress due to alternating between kindness, criticism or indifference. I spoke to her about this after Christmas and explained that the way she doesn’t listen to me/ignores me and is just generally critical of me, leaves me upset. She said she would change“- I am guessing that she said she’d change just so to end an unpleasant conversation. Her kindness may be genuine at times, she may feel genuine affection for you and others, at times (I don’t know), but often her kindness and generosity, seems to me, is an appearance, or for appearances, particularly in public. “lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely”– may very well be an act, one she’s good at.

She can’t bring herself to be like you: honest about what she thinks, feels and wants, straightforward, assertive.. so she keeps her anger inside, it never gets resolved, and it (the anger) finds its own ways to express itself: ignoring you, doing the opposite of what you want done, etc.

In regard to your question about what to say to her, or not to say to her, I will wait for you, if you will, to let me know what seems true and what does not seem true in what I wrote here.

anita