Dear Helcat:

Thank you! I was anxious about (without knowing or intending it) saying something in the post that you’d find objectionable. It happened many times with my mother, she found so much to object to/ to feel hurt by: expressions on my face, things I said, things I didn’t say but should’ve said, etc., and it caught me by surprise every time because I didn’t know, didn’t intend to. I told her I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings, but she insisted that I intended that, and there was no way to make her believe otherwise.

I wasn’t feeling very anxious yesterday, just a bit. I am glad that I am way more spontaneous and less afraid these days to type away my thoughts and feelings here, on the screen (she- my mother- is no longer here with me, watching me, preparing the next you hurt my feelings! attack and retribution.. sigh-of-relief-emoji).

“I’m happy to receive your messages… Of course, if you are not in the mood to write that is fine too. Please feel free to honour how you feel“- then I will continue to respond to all your posts in this thread (and other threads that you started or may start). And in each response, I am paying attention to my intention: to help, not to hurt. If anything I type out hurts you, or bothers you, please let me know what it is, so that we can talk about it.

“My PTSD has been really bad because of the relationship difficulties. Then there has been postpartum depression on top of that…  I know that we are both hurt. I’m jealous of the connection he has with our son, because it feels like we have no connection now. He says that he still loves me.“- I am sorry that you are suffering, and I hope things get better sooner than later. About his connection with his son vs his connection with you, what if (a crazy thought?), you learn from your son how to connect with his father (because their connection works)..?

anita