Hi Taylor

In my experience it takes at least 6 months for men to start to develop an emotional connection with a partner.

Men don’t think of dating in the same way women do. Quite often men will only be interested in sex. But they have to go along with the motions of dating because it is what women respond to.

If you think of it from the way men do. They look to date many women, primarily with the purpose to have sex with many women. What is the point in investing in a relationship unless you really like the person? They just go about their business however they want to, perhaps putting in extra effort if they are trying to get laid.

In your mind you’re looking for a relationship. While the man is still just looking for sex.

I think that considering your previous circumstances, you did really well by breaking things off early. That’s huge progress for someone who is used to putting up with bad behaviour in dating and suffers for too long feeling neglected. Congratulations on breaking that pattern!

You are worried about your the relationship patterns and stuff, clearly your goal is to find a healthy, loving relationship. Upon reading your latest post, I am not worried for you. It sounds like you’re doing some really great work with your therapist. These things take time, you are learning to listen to and make sense of your own instincts and getting to grips with the delicate balance that is making a calm confident decision and one that is an emotional reaction. You’re doing a fantastic job, so relax. 😊

I think that in this situation you did the right thing for you at this time. This ultimately isn’t a love story, but a story of growth and setting boundaries.

An approach that I often take in any kind of relationship (even non-romantic) is matching the other person’s level of interest and effort.

What really helped me in dating was writing down a list of things that I did and didn’t want in a partner. Each relationship I was in taught me about something that I did or didn’t want to experience in the future.

I really like intelligent, communicative partners. It took me a while to realize that it was important for them to be kind too.

I am learning that men can be uncomfortable with direct conversations like that. They can feel like you are blaming them for the way you feel. I think that women are more used to communicating openly and not taking it personally.

It is difficult, learning to manage these things. I read in a book about secure attachment in couples recently that it is important to change from a solitary focus to a couple focus when sharing feelings. It is not just about communicating our feelings, it is also about considering theirs at the same time.

For example:

My husband left the operating theatre for a couple minutes before the c-section began to answer the phone when his mother called. I was scared about the surgery and him leaving briefly was upsetting for me. But he was also in a different country from his family. He hates hospitals because he watched his father slowly waste away in one. He was nervous about having a child. Even hearing her voice for a short time was probably a great comfort to him.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏