Hi Anita,

I can see that all clearly now, this was really helpful! I know that I am very sensitive to the prospect of rejection – I guess that’s how anxiety works, you just want the answer. I get impatient to know if someone is going to work for me or not, but it’s obviously not that black and white.

I do struggle with what the “appropriate” response is as you say. I feel like I can’t trust myself to know what behaviors will lead me to a healthier place, or will be digestible by the person on the receiving end. It could be that you’re right in this case I should have just ignored him – problem was he was still contacting me, and I don’t feel comfortable ghosting people but it also felt fake to just chat with him like nothing was wrong. I guess this comes back to boundary-setting – do you suggest just asking people to stop contacting you when you start seeing evidence that are “a little bit interested, but not that much”?

This brings things back to the original title of my post which is how to know if it’s my own insecurity with normal fluctuations in interest, and it scares me that I’m pushing away good people who really are interested. But based on your insight, it probably doesn’t matter since healing myself is the first priority, and I can always reconnect with people if I decide later I made the wrong decision.

Your insight about my relationship with my mom is super eye opening and makes more and more sense the more I talk through this.

Helcat,

Thank you so much for your advice to just match the other person’s level of interest and effort, that feels like a really simple thing to try. I am also going to try writing the list of what I like and don’t like based on past relationships. And you make a lot of good points about how different men and women often show up in relationships and their comfort level with certain things.

Thank you both so so much, this was beyond insightful and helpful for me. ❤️