Hi Anita,

Thanks again, for digging out the things that I shared some years ago, so I can look at the similarity.

i wrote something to my little self. telling her I love her the other day.

I think, we normalize some bad behaviors that do do to people. There are times when I look at my brother interacting with his children, and I thought: may be this is how my own wound at childhood was created. He was not physically abusive or being very rude or rough, but it was the insinuation of the fault that the children made, the causal comments which may be insulting, these are the things that we have normalized. I guess not everyone has a psychology background(which I think we all should have some degree of knowledge) so I understand why. But when I try to pamper or comfort my little self, I realized there are things that I wished someone else could tell me/ did to me, when I was younger, but nobody did.

I think I am reliving the childhood for a very long period of time, the loneliness, the scare, the threatening environment. I was easily brought back there.

Honestly, as weird as it sounds, I still want to get in touch with her(may be it’s the ‘miss her’ that i said above). But once I think of the next step, say if she wants to be with me, I actually don’t think I want that, not the person that she still is(I guess one can’t change so much in a month and a half, especially with her avoidance/ distancing behaviors). But that urge, somehow, is still there. I never am able to say : No this person is not good to me so i just shut the door. Somehow, I just can’t do that.

to think deeper, I actually don’t miss the actual ‘her’. I miss the image of her, the future that ‘her’ may have with me,  the relationship that a ‘her’ could provide. Her, being relatively non-connected emotional, is not something that I miss.

Hope you are well.