Dear Anita,

What is Seaturtle’s personal definitions of a majorly good person and of a  fully good person?

– This is a good question. What comes to mind now, is that a majorly good person is one with good intentions but doesn’t always get that across, or that they think their intentions are good, but are missing some information and their good intentions are misguided, causing bad outcomes. Whereas a fully good person is completely in line with their third eye, and therefore their intentions are always pure, never contaminated with bias or selfish wants. A fully good person always effects the environment neutrally or positively, a majorly good person can sometimes have negative effects on others and the world.

“to tap into/ to be One with Shakti, it takes trusting yourself to be a good person first, because you wouldn’t allow a bad person all that power and capability”.

-I have gone back to this more than once, since you said it. Even had a conversation with K about it, where I saw he struggles with it too. He phrased it as when he receives praise he doubts the validity of it, questioning that they actually see the whole picture, and I related with this deeply. What is interesting though, is what seems obvious to me is I am this way because my dad did not treat me as if I was a good person, he was skeptic of me and I was disciplined and criticized all the time. But for K, he seems to have the same overlying issue as me, doubting his goodness, but he didn’t have a critical parent, his mom over gave praise to him to an extent to where he now wonders ‘what is real praise and what is exaggerated’  because there is no way he deserves that much (his thoughts). How can two different types of parents, both result in a hard time receiving praise or seeing yourself as good? What is the balance of praise and constructive criticism that leads to a healthy self esteem (seeing self as good). I ask because I want to balance myself out, and I also want to raise a balanced child one day.

The person that made me believe, or heavily suspect, that I was a bad person was my mother. On a regular basis, she accused me- in long, protracted, paranoid and histrionic sessions of accusations- of plotting to hurt her feelings and humiliate her. She accused me of planning what to say and do

– Our experiences are so similar. I am thankful to have someone like you who is farther in the healing process to help me!

Who plans and intentionally actualizes plans to cause pain to one’s mother, if not a bad person..?

– good point.

I wasn’t sure that she was wrong. I doubted myself. I became very careful about the words I said, or thought about saying, too anxious, too careful.

– this brings me back to your comment about my desires to run away or even leading to self harm, wanting to rid myself and surroundings of this “bad person” that I had no control over, since I had no idea I was doing this and felt out of control of my own intentions.

I think of the majority of my life as a stolen life, stolen and held hostage by her.

– I deeply empathize with you.

 I waited and waited for her to give me the permission to live my own life (by telling me that I was a good person) long after I knew that I was still waiting. I gave her all that I could give her, money included, but never got the Good Person label from her.

– This is where I can be thankful, and one of the ways my experience breaks away from yours. This anchor weighs/weighed, less for me after 24 years. After I got farther from F, and he saw I was happy away from him there is a sliver of understanding that I am good without him, but he definitely still sees me as very flawed. My way of life doesn’t make sense to him and he still laughs at me.  I told him about my adventures in colorado and meeting K, my plans to travel, and he just laughs at me because I am living life “so differently” “why would you work at a cafe you are way too over qualified” “you are a nanny? you spend time with kids for fun? what a waste of your time, hahaha” But then he says he is glad I am happy.. which I think I believe. I still feel like he sees me as less than others/ ill-intentioned on accident/ skeptical of me (as you would be of a bad person). It’s like he doesn’t see me as bad anymore, but he sees me as something else now… not intelligent, lazy (since I am not resume building/ climbing a corporate ladder), not reliable (asking me if I need help all the time as if I can’t support myself), doesn’t trust my decisions until I just make them and he sees the benefits way later, but this still builds me no reporte.