Dear Helcat:

I don’t think that you mentioned him being neurodivergent, but you may have. I remember you using the adjective stoic to describe him, and you shared that he is a Buddhist.

“I think that she also idolizes my husband a bit. He has helped her out a lot over the years“- I assume this makes him feel good, that he’s been very helpful to her and that she thinks highly of him, and therefore, he may be emotionally invested in continuing to help her and be thought of highly by her.

“She has been considering an affair for a long time… it is a mix of impulsive and not impulsive. I don’t think she is thinking clearly and is having some kind of breakdown… I don’t trust her that much because of the way she has been acting and I don’t know her very well. Obviously her morals and judgment are in question at the moment“- as I understand it (from what you shared and, like I said, I trust the accuracy of what you shared), her intent (an impulsive intent, one that she may not admit to in a calm moment, or after her breakdown), I am sorry to say, is to have an affair with him. I mean, it’s not a far-fetched idea. Being neurodivergent, he may not pick up on her intent. I think that he wants to help her and that he is somewhat attached to how she views him (idolizing him). I don’t think that he wants to have an affair with her. I am guessing that it didn’t even cross his mind.

“Yes, I think he was unmoved by the details. But I still find it disrespectful“- her sharing of sexual details with the man married to you is absolutely disrespectful of you.

“You are spot on. It hurts that he doesn’t understand, even when I explain my feelings to him. It makes me feel dismissed and invalidated. Thank you for your kindness and empathy! I hope that things change too“- you are welcome. I suppose that being neurodivergent, it’s not his fault that he doesn’t understand. I figure that his lack of understanding indicates his difficulty, it does not that your feelings are not valid.

A Buddhist man is still.. a man who needs to be thought of highly by the woman in his life. Like a boy who needs to be thought of highly by his mother (in every man there is boy). Maybe it will help if you express to him at length or repeatedly how highly you think of him (or have you already done so, consistently)?

anita