Hi everyone, first thank you again for leaving thoughtful comments. I really appreciate you guys taking your time to help me clearly see the situation and guide me through this hard time. I read over them multiple times, and by looking at my actions in visible texts, I once again realized that I crossed the line, I hurt her, and I cannot go back. All the things I could be arrested for, I understood the seriousness. I do want to say that the picture frame I broke was styrofoam, and I couldn’t even punch the TV that well, but I really understand that’s not what it matters. Maybe my dad thought the same way too, that it wasn’t that serious, when he broke things – when all those moments I felt scared, sad, and helpless.

I’ll be honest with you, even though I understand the gravity of my behavior and I regret it so much, everything sucks. It just feels very bad. I was so hurt, and now I am the abuser. At this moment, I admit that I am not even trying to be a responsible person, because I am too exhausted of everything. When everything was not going as how I wanted or expected, I should’ve left. But instead I chose anger and violence, to control the situation.

Some people mentioned that I knew she wanted to leave the relationship, but I didn’t. In the summer, we even went to each other’s countries, talked about our future, and before her last lie, we had our one year anniversary. We fought often, but I thought we were going somewhere. She always held my hand tight whenever we were walking together. When I realized that the two months she wanted was to prepare her and me for the breakup, I felt devasted.

I’ve been in therapy for a long time and I still meet my therapist once a week. I had stopped therapy like two years ago, but started again when I started dating her, because I felt like I couldn’t handle my emotion. One thing that hurt me the night we fought, I once again mentioned that she promised me to go to therapy after her first lie (about her ex) and she didn’t, and she said, “Yeah? And how many times did you go to therapy? Like 100 times? Did that fix you?”

During the three weeks I had by myself, I cried in the bus, at work, wrote journal every moment, and walked three hours to stay sane. I couldn’t fall asleep, and every moment I woke up I felt like the reality hit me and stabbed me in my heart. I just couldn’t understand why someone would hug me one day and didn’t want to see me at all starting the next day. Every breath I took hurt.

When I finally said I will go to her city to collect my things, I knew I had to accept the truth, but I blamed her for not loving me, and not being straightforward about that with me. I think that emotion exploded the day she lied to me again just to hang out with two other girls. My mind was constantly in a chaos, a minefield, and I blamed her for creating this situation and wanting to escape. I know the only person who can cause a chaos in my mind is myself, but now I just want to give up the whole thought process.

The reason we didn’t discuss anything further was because she doesn’t want to discuss heavy topics or a breakup. Not only now, I always had to pry information out of her every time we had to discuss something rather serious. I apologized and I asked one or two other questions on other occasions, but she didn’t answer, and now I just accept them as answers. After accepting the breakup, we had a nice, comfortable, and funny time. Today she is going to play pickleball with her colleagues, and I just want to get through the day without any problem.

Tomorrow is the day I leave. I am scared. still.

I work out regularly, I meditate, I write my journals all the time, talk to close people, take a walk, try to grow hobbies, but honestly, I always feel like I’m broken, both physically and mentally. I want to give up. I am not suicidal, I just want to give up. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this hot mess, and I can just live a happy and normal life.

Thank you for reading.