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I am terrified to breakup

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  • #438483
    CutieJ
    Participant

    I am extremely terrified to breakup.

    I am a girl, and I met another girl when I was in a one-year grad program. This was my first relationship.

    I wasn’t very interested in her at first, but she approached me and I opened up really quickly. We were in the same friend group and classes, so we spent almost 24 hours together, living in a same apartment for a whole year. She literally gave me the world. She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her.

    Going back a bit, two months into the relationship, I realized that she had an ex that she dated for 5 years and that she didn’t end the relationship properly. My gf was from another country and they had several issues back there, but after my gf met me, she just simply texted her ex and decided to disappear. After that, her ex went crazy (which is understandable) and threatened my gf that she will kill herself, and my gf texted her back and paid her rent for that two months. In those times, she once sent her a post card wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. She said it was just to make her come back to sense.

    I was so shocked to find out, and my gf ended all the contacts immediately and tried to mend the relationship with me. However, since then, it has been a living hell for both of us. I asked her to get therapy and post us on instagram (like she did for her ex before), but every time she said she would do it but she never did. Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried. I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting.

    During those one year, she lied to me two more times. It wasn’t about seeking a romantic interest, but her lies broke trust over and over again. Now I understand to some point, because I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious.

    Now after graduating and moving, our relationship became a long-distance. After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious, and I was also very hurt in a relationship. I accepted taking time off, but I had my issues. Because my work is fully remote and I don’t have any friends in the city, I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.

    I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship. While we were having time off for three weeks, I tried to accept what has happened and take care of myself, but I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day. I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this.

    I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do…

    #438487
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi CutieJ

    I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties in the relationship and about the impending breakup.

    It sounds like to me, that the breakup has been coming for a while. Once you both went long distance, it was only a matter of time. She has a history of ending relationships when distance is involved.

    It sounds like she has been trying to handle this breakup “better” than the last one. It sounds like she has a lot of guilt around the previous breakup and doesn’t want her ex to hurt herself. She is trying to avoid making the same mistakes again. Instead she is making different mistakes.

    You have made some mistakes too. It is expected. It is your first relationship.

    I think that as soon as the relationship was planned to go long distance, it was essentially over for her. The rest of this has been a breakup this whole time. She doesn’t know how to break up in a healthy way yet.

    I’m sorry that her difficulties with break ups caused such difficulties in your relationship. And I’m sorry that this current break up has been a messy and drawn out process. A healthy break up would be a simple conversation when planning to move.

    I’m sorry that she is blaming you for her difficulties with breaking up. Clearly it is not your fault. She had difficulties with breaking up before she even met you. Difficulties so bad, they damaged your relationship.

    I’m sorry to hear that you have difficulties with self hatred and self esteem. Therapy is a good place to work on those difficulties. If that is available. Do you want to talk about what caused those difficulties?

    Please be kind to yourself through this grieving process. It will not last forever. It will hurt for a while, but then it will get easier and eventually pass in time.

    It is up to you if you want to go to the meeting with her in person. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. This break up has been a mess. You don’t have to keep going with her ideas of what a break up is when she doesn’t even know herself. Honour your own needs. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just have a phone call. If you do want to go. Go, but on your terms. Decide what you want to do because she doesn’t know how to handle this in a healthy way. There is no rush, take all the time you need to decide.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438505
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CutieJ:

    Please be strong at this time, CutieJ. Even though you may be feeling self-hatred and a low self-esteem at this time, truth is that you are lovable. You are worthy of love and you are valuable! It may take time for you to believe this, but once you believe it, you will have peace within.

    She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her“- I am wondering why you referred to her seeming loving behaviors as love bombing (a form of emotional and psychological manipulation). Do you suspect or believe that her affection, help and kindness were insincere or manipulative?

    It may help you to share about your growing up experience, an experience that I share: I also grew up feeling desperately lonely, with a low self-esteem and with this most problematic inner experience: self-hatred.

    I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious… After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious“- reads like your anxiety fueled controlling behaviors on your part, behaviors that caused or increased her anxiety.

    I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue. I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship… I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day“-

    – she said that she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and here, you shared that you cannot breathe. It’s anxiety that does that.. not love. Indeed, anxiety is unhealthy to continue.

    I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this. I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do..“- you have someone, well, you have a couple of people with you, here on your thread, real people behind these typed words. And you will have people irl with you again.

    You felt badly when you posted your original post, but you will feel better, and you will be amazed, sooner or later, to realize how much better you feel than you felt 13 hours ago.

    As far as what you should do, key is to calm the anxiety so that you can operate in ways that make sense, ways that will benefit you.. and her.

    I hope to read from you soon. (I will be busy today, so if you post, it may be a few hours before a response from me).

    anita

     

    #438513
    CutieJ
    Participant

    I think my low self-esteem and self-hatred comes from my childhood, because my parents fought all the time. My father physically abused us and yelled profanities when he came back home late after drinking or when he got extremely angry. I was always so afraid at night when he was coming home late, and we could never expect when he was going to piss off. Because of that, I developed bulimia and gained so much weight in high school. Highschool is when I moved to the US, and I was completely alone in the high school I went to. When I went to college I made a lot of friends and lost a lot of weight, but my body has all the stretch marks and I just feel like it’s not loveable.

    I always threw up before I met my current gf, and having food at home was a scary thing for me. I didn’t know how to take care of myself, but now I learned from her to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. I could never fully open up to anyone, but she loved me always, and I became a much brighter person. In fact, I said love-bombing because I thought she was nice to me to hide the two month lie and pull away from the relationship out of nowhere, but I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year.

    I didn’t think that once it became a long-distance, it’s over for her. I think she definitely feels guilty about her ex and me, and she wants to end the discomfort the relationship is causing her.

    I am so scared. I came to her place today. She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice, but everything is not like before. She seems a bit uneasy to hug or touch me, and she doesn’t hold hands anymore. She won’t kiss me at all if I don’t ask her. I know this is very normal for couples trying to break up, but it breaks me so much, because a month ago it wasn’t like this. I just wish I never listened to her asking for time off, or that I just had some more support group to endure this no contact period, so she can have her time fully.

    She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like “If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.” She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up, and she didn’t want to feel like the love was conditional, depending on whether the actions that I/her parents want her to do was completed or not.

    Nothing would’ve changed this, I know, but I am getting more and more scared whenever she treats me so nicely. I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared. She feels pressured to go hang out with her friends when I am at home waiting, and I don’t want to be a burden. Because of the ticket price, I would need to wait until next Wednesday to go back. All the good things we will do together until then, scares me already.

    I don’t want to be alone…  I don’t want to lose her… I am still so scared… Please help…

    #438517
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CutieJ: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    #438518
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi CutieJ

    You are being gaslit. Asking for her to post about your relationship on social media and go to therapy are reasonable requests.

    She cannot go her whole life never acknowledging her partners because an ex threatened to kill herself. Another concern is if she goes back to her home country she may try and reconnect with that ex. A lot of people do this. Break up when they leave their home country and then continue dating when they return. This is because long distance relationships often fail. The chances of a long distance relationship working out is astronomical. She knows this, this is why she left her previous partner.

    Your concerns are valid, she is dismissing them and trying to make you feel like you are the problem.

    The yelling itself is not so good. I hope that you don’t yell often during disagreements? It is a tricky habit to break, one that was learned in childhood. But not impossible.

    You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who acknowledges you as a partner. Who doesn’t dismiss your concerns and reasonable requests. Who doesn’t gaslight and lie to you.

    She has ignored your pain that she caused for your entire relationship.

    It is good to hear that the relationship had some positives. She helped you learn to take care of yourself.

    I’m sorry to hear about the trauma with your father. That is awful. He shouldn’t have behaved like that, you deserved a stable and loving father.

    I’m sorry to hear that you were alone during high school. No one deserves that. It must have been terrible for you having a difficult home life and a difficult school life. I’m sorry to hear about your bulemia.

    I would suggest working on making friends when you go back home. You did it in college and you can do it again.

    I’m going to let you in on a secret. Everyone has stretch marks!

    Please be gentle with yourself and take extra care of yourself during this difficult time.

    Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

    #438523
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CutieJ:

    First I will repeat all that you shared (including some of your exact words boldfaced) in a chronological order of events, and after that, I will add my thoughts:

    You grew up in a home where parents fought all the time. Your father physically abused you and yelled profanities when coming back home late at night, after drinking, or when he got extremely angry. You were never able to expect when he was going to get angry, and you were always so afraid at night when he was coming home late. Growing up, you felt desperately lonely, even when you were surrounded by people, and you experienced self-hatred and a low self-esteem.

    During high school, you developed an eating disorder, bulimia, and gained a lot of weight. You also moved to the U.S. during high school and was completely alone in high school.

    In college you were still suffering from bulimia, and having food at home was a scary thing for you. Nonetheless, you  lost a lot of weight, but your body has stretch marks as a result, and you feel that your body is not loveable because of the stretch marks.

    You made a lot of friends during college, one of whom you shared the same friends group and classes. The friendship with her (I will refer to her as R) developed into a romantic relationship. Two months into the relationship, you found out that R was in a 5 year-long relationship with another girl from her home country (I’ll refer to her as G), it being a long-distance relationship at the time you and R met in the U.S. At one point, R texted G a breakup message and G threatened suicide. R paid G’s rent back in the home country for two months and sent her a postcard wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and that she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. Later on, when you confronted her about it, R told you that she said those things to G just to make her come back to senses. and R ended all contacts (with G) immediately.

    You and R lived together in the same apartment for a whole year, spending almost 24 hours together. She called you pretty and cute and hugged you a lot, always by your side, helping you out with everything. She taught you how to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. But since the confrontation regarding G, 2 months into the relationship, you were suspicious of her and for 10 months out of the 12 of living together, life has been a living hell for both of you (you and R).

    You asked her to get therapy and to post the two of you on Instagram (like she did in regard to G before), but every time you asked, she said she would, but didn’t.

    After graduating, the two of you no longer lived together and the relationship became long-distance. There were fights (long-distance fights), and after one of those, she said that she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. You agreed to take some time off, but feeling hurt,  lonely and obsessive, you ended up calling her and texting her several times, and (at the time you posted your original post), R was at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.

    The day after your original post (Wednesday, Oct 2), you travelled to where R lives, and this is what you shared about meeting her: “She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice… She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’ She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up… I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“-

    – And now my thoughts (with more quotes) following hours of reading and studying your two posts: when you met R in college, you were in better shape, mentally and physically, than you were before college, but you were still not prepared for a healthy relationship. There were- and are- unresolved issues that need to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with her, or with anyone in her place. This is why it’s very important that you will attend quality individual psychotherapy as soon as possible.

    You feel hurt and anxious, and I understand that you do. But it is not her doing, it’s the doing of your father hurting and scaring his little girl years before you ever met R. Your hurt and anxiety cannot be resolved within a romantic relationship (no matter how close to perfect a partner may be). It needs to be resolved in a professional setting: psychotherapy.

    That R has not been perfect is unquestionable, but no human being is perfect. She had a relationship before she met you, a long-distance relationship at the beginning of her relationship with you. She didn’t end it as quickly as you’d like, but she did end it quite quickly. She was dealing with a suicidal ex, so no wonder she tried to make the ex feel better by telling her (post breakup) that she still somewhat cared. You pressured her with questions, and pressured, she lied twice.

    From what you shared, R is a caring person, a good person who cares about the people in her life. And she truly cared and loved you, you said it yourself: “I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year“.

    She loved you dearly for 10 difficult months out of the year during which you “got anxious and emotional over everything… was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious“.

    Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried“- she cared. She listened to you quietly. Her distress expressed itself through crying after listening to you, not through yelling and accusations.

    How did your distress express itself? Loudly: yelling, accusing her and trying to manipulate her: “I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’“-

    – You accused her of never caring while in your original post, you wrote: “She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time” (original post). You accused her of never caring because you felt hurt, so you wanted to hurt her.

    Most recently (yesterday), she still cares: she picked you up at the airport, she listened to you crying, she talked with you about issues, had lunch with you, was nice to you, explained to you that the breakup needs to happen not because there is someone else, but because she felt- feels- emotionally threatened by you.

    “I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“- try to see that she is hurt too (and has been for a long time), that she is scared too (she might be scared that like her ex, you will have self-harm thoughts as well), and please help her.

    Shift your focus during this visit from your pain to her pain, just long-enough to offer her the safety that she needs. Don’t increase her pain; lessen it instead. Once you do that, you will feel better about yourself. You will feel valuable as someone who is able to help another person. I hope this makes sense to you..?

    Like you, at times I too yelled and accused, and wanted to hurt another because of unresolved issues in my childhood. It was very difficult for me to confront this self- centered part of myself, a part that had hurt others unjustly. I forgave myself only after I corrected (and keep correcting) wrong behaviors. And after I adequately resolved childhood issues that needed to be resolved, such as growing up with a mother who, like your father, physically abused me and yelled, getting unpredictably  extremely angry.

    anita

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