Home→Forums→Relationships→I am terrified to breakup
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October 1, 2024 at 8:18 pm #438483CutieJParticipant
I am extremely terrified to breakup.
I am a girl, and I met another girl when I was in a one-year grad program. This was my first relationship.
I wasn’t very interested in her at first, but she approached me and I opened up really quickly. We were in the same friend group and classes, so we spent almost 24 hours together, living in a same apartment for a whole year. She literally gave me the world. She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her.
Going back a bit, two months into the relationship, I realized that she had an ex that she dated for 5 years and that she didn’t end the relationship properly. My gf was from another country and they had several issues back there, but after my gf met me, she just simply texted her ex and decided to disappear. After that, her ex went crazy (which is understandable) and threatened my gf that she will kill herself, and my gf texted her back and paid her rent for that two months. In those times, she once sent her a post card wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. She said it was just to make her come back to sense.
I was so shocked to find out, and my gf ended all the contacts immediately and tried to mend the relationship with me. However, since then, it has been a living hell for both of us. I asked her to get therapy and post us on instagram (like she did for her ex before), but every time she said she would do it but she never did. Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried. I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting.
During those one year, she lied to me two more times. It wasn’t about seeking a romantic interest, but her lies broke trust over and over again. Now I understand to some point, because I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious.
Now after graduating and moving, our relationship became a long-distance. After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious, and I was also very hurt in a relationship. I accepted taking time off, but I had my issues. Because my work is fully remote and I don’t have any friends in the city, I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.
I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship. While we were having time off for three weeks, I tried to accept what has happened and take care of myself, but I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day. I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this.
I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do…
October 1, 2024 at 9:15 pm #438487HelcatParticipantHi CutieJ
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties in the relationship and about the impending breakup.
It sounds like to me, that the breakup has been coming for a while. Once you both went long distance, it was only a matter of time. She has a history of ending relationships when distance is involved.
It sounds like she has been trying to handle this breakup “better” than the last one. It sounds like she has a lot of guilt around the previous breakup and doesn’t want her ex to hurt herself. She is trying to avoid making the same mistakes again. Instead she is making different mistakes.
You have made some mistakes too. It is expected. It is your first relationship.
I think that as soon as the relationship was planned to go long distance, it was essentially over for her. The rest of this has been a breakup this whole time. She doesn’t know how to break up in a healthy way yet.
I’m sorry that her difficulties with break ups caused such difficulties in your relationship. And I’m sorry that this current break up has been a messy and drawn out process. A healthy break up would be a simple conversation when planning to move.
I’m sorry that she is blaming you for her difficulties with breaking up. Clearly it is not your fault. She had difficulties with breaking up before she even met you. Difficulties so bad, they damaged your relationship.
I’m sorry to hear that you have difficulties with self hatred and self esteem. Therapy is a good place to work on those difficulties. If that is available. Do you want to talk about what caused those difficulties?
Please be kind to yourself through this grieving process. It will not last forever. It will hurt for a while, but then it will get easier and eventually pass in time.
It is up to you if you want to go to the meeting with her in person. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. This break up has been a mess. You don’t have to keep going with her ideas of what a break up is when she doesn’t even know herself. Honour your own needs. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. Just have a phone call. If you do want to go. Go, but on your terms. Decide what you want to do because she doesn’t know how to handle this in a healthy way. There is no rush, take all the time you need to decide.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
October 2, 2024 at 9:19 am #438505anitaParticipantDear CutieJ:
Please be strong at this time, CutieJ. Even though you may be feeling self-hatred and a low self-esteem at this time, truth is that you are lovable. You are worthy of love and you are valuable! It may take time for you to believe this, but once you believe it, you will have peace within.
“She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her“- I am wondering why you referred to her seeming loving behaviors as love bombing (a form of emotional and psychological manipulation). Do you suspect or believe that her affection, help and kindness were insincere or manipulative?
It may help you to share about your growing up experience, an experience that I share: I also grew up feeling desperately lonely, with a low self-esteem and with this most problematic inner experience: self-hatred.
“I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious… After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious“- reads like your anxiety fueled controlling behaviors on your part, behaviors that caused or increased her anxiety.
“I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue. I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship… I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day“-
– she said that she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and here, you shared that you cannot breathe. It’s anxiety that does that.. not love. Indeed, anxiety is unhealthy to continue.
“I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this. I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do..“- you have someone, well, you have a couple of people with you, here on your thread, real people behind these typed words. And you will have people irl with you again.
You felt badly when you posted your original post, but you will feel better, and you will be amazed, sooner or later, to realize how much better you feel than you felt 13 hours ago.
As far as what you should do, key is to calm the anxiety so that you can operate in ways that make sense, ways that will benefit you.. and her.
I hope to read from you soon. (I will be busy today, so if you post, it may be a few hours before a response from me).
anita
October 2, 2024 at 1:36 pm #438513CutieJParticipantI think my low self-esteem and self-hatred comes from my childhood, because my parents fought all the time. My father physically abused us and yelled profanities when he came back home late after drinking or when he got extremely angry. I was always so afraid at night when he was coming home late, and we could never expect when he was going to piss off. Because of that, I developed bulimia and gained so much weight in high school. Highschool is when I moved to the US, and I was completely alone in the high school I went to. When I went to college I made a lot of friends and lost a lot of weight, but my body has all the stretch marks and I just feel like it’s not loveable.
I always threw up before I met my current gf, and having food at home was a scary thing for me. I didn’t know how to take care of myself, but now I learned from her to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. I could never fully open up to anyone, but she loved me always, and I became a much brighter person. In fact, I said love-bombing because I thought she was nice to me to hide the two month lie and pull away from the relationship out of nowhere, but I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year.
I didn’t think that once it became a long-distance, it’s over for her. I think she definitely feels guilty about her ex and me, and she wants to end the discomfort the relationship is causing her.
I am so scared. I came to her place today. She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice, but everything is not like before. She seems a bit uneasy to hug or touch me, and she doesn’t hold hands anymore. She won’t kiss me at all if I don’t ask her. I know this is very normal for couples trying to break up, but it breaks me so much, because a month ago it wasn’t like this. I just wish I never listened to her asking for time off, or that I just had some more support group to endure this no contact period, so she can have her time fully.
She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like “If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.” She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up, and she didn’t want to feel like the love was conditional, depending on whether the actions that I/her parents want her to do was completed or not.
Nothing would’ve changed this, I know, but I am getting more and more scared whenever she treats me so nicely. I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared. She feels pressured to go hang out with her friends when I am at home waiting, and I don’t want to be a burden. Because of the ticket price, I would need to wait until next Wednesday to go back. All the good things we will do together until then, scares me already.
I don’t want to be alone… I don’t want to lose her… I am still so scared… Please help…
October 2, 2024 at 7:48 pm #438517anitaParticipantDear CutieJ: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.
anita
October 2, 2024 at 9:07 pm #438518HelcatParticipantHi CutieJ
You are being gaslit. Asking for her to post about your relationship on social media and go to therapy are reasonable requests.
She cannot go her whole life never acknowledging her partners because an ex threatened to kill herself. Another concern is if she goes back to her home country she may try and reconnect with that ex. A lot of people do this. Break up when they leave their home country and then continue dating when they return. This is because long distance relationships often fail. The chances of a long distance relationship working out is astronomical. She knows this, this is why she left her previous partner.
Your concerns are valid, she is dismissing them and trying to make you feel like you are the problem.
The yelling itself is not so good. I hope that you don’t yell often during disagreements? It is a tricky habit to break, one that was learned in childhood. But not impossible.
You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who acknowledges you as a partner. Who doesn’t dismiss your concerns and reasonable requests. Who doesn’t gaslight and lie to you.
She has ignored your pain that she caused for your entire relationship.
It is good to hear that the relationship had some positives. She helped you learn to take care of yourself.
I’m sorry to hear about the trauma with your father. That is awful. He shouldn’t have behaved like that, you deserved a stable and loving father.
I’m sorry to hear that you were alone during high school. No one deserves that. It must have been terrible for you having a difficult home life and a difficult school life. I’m sorry to hear about your bulemia.
I would suggest working on making friends when you go back home. You did it in college and you can do it again.
I’m going to let you in on a secret. Everyone has stretch marks!
Please be gentle with yourself and take extra care of yourself during this difficult time.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
October 3, 2024 at 9:14 am #438523anitaParticipantDear CutieJ:
First I will repeat all that you shared (including some of your exact words boldfaced) in a chronological order of events, and after that, I will add my thoughts:
You grew up in a home where parents fought all the time. Your father physically abused you and yelled profanities when coming back home late at night, after drinking, or when he got extremely angry. You were never able to expect when he was going to get angry, and you were always so afraid at night when he was coming home late. Growing up, you felt desperately lonely, even when you were surrounded by people, and you experienced self-hatred and a low self-esteem.
During high school, you developed an eating disorder, bulimia, and gained a lot of weight. You also moved to the U.S. during high school and was completely alone in high school.
In college you were still suffering from bulimia, and having food at home was a scary thing for you. Nonetheless, you lost a lot of weight, but your body has stretch marks as a result, and you feel that your body is not loveable because of the stretch marks.
You made a lot of friends during college, one of whom you shared the same friends group and classes. The friendship with her (I will refer to her as R) developed into a romantic relationship. Two months into the relationship, you found out that R was in a 5 year-long relationship with another girl from her home country (I’ll refer to her as G), it being a long-distance relationship at the time you and R met in the U.S. At one point, R texted G a breakup message and G threatened suicide. R paid G’s rent back in the home country for two months and sent her a postcard wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and that she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. Later on, when you confronted her about it, R told you that she said those things to G just to make her come back to senses. and R ended all contacts (with G) immediately.
You and R lived together in the same apartment for a whole year, spending almost 24 hours together. She called you pretty and cute and hugged you a lot, always by your side, helping you out with everything. She taught you how to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. But since the confrontation regarding G, 2 months into the relationship, you were suspicious of her and for 10 months out of the 12 of living together, life has been a living hell for both of you (you and R).
You asked her to get therapy and to post the two of you on Instagram (like she did in regard to G before), but every time you asked, she said she would, but didn’t.
After graduating, the two of you no longer lived together and the relationship became long-distance. There were fights (long-distance fights), and after one of those, she said that she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. You agreed to take some time off, but feeling hurt, lonely and obsessive, you ended up calling her and texting her several times, and (at the time you posted your original post), R was at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.
The day after your original post (Wednesday, Oct 2), you travelled to where R lives, and this is what you shared about meeting her: “She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice… She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’ She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up… I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone.. I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“-
– And now my thoughts (with more quotes) following hours of reading and studying your two posts: when you met R in college, you were in better shape, mentally and physically, than you were before college, but you were still not prepared for a healthy relationship. There were- and are- unresolved issues that need to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with her, or with anyone in her place. This is why it’s very important that you will attend quality individual psychotherapy as soon as possible.
You feel hurt and anxious, and I understand that you do. But it is not her doing, it’s the doing of your father hurting and scaring his little girl years before you ever met R. Your hurt and anxiety cannot be resolved within a romantic relationship (no matter how close to perfect a partner may be). It needs to be resolved in a professional setting: psychotherapy.
That R has not been perfect is unquestionable, but no human being is perfect. She had a relationship before she met you, a long-distance relationship at the beginning of her relationship with you. She didn’t end it as quickly as you’d like, but she did end it quite quickly. She was dealing with a suicidal ex, so no wonder she tried to make the ex feel better by telling her (post breakup) that she still somewhat cared. You pressured her with questions, and pressured, she lied twice.
From what you shared, R is a caring person, a good person who cares about the people in her life. And she truly cared and loved you, you said it yourself: “I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year“.
She loved you dearly for 10 difficult months out of the year during which you “got anxious and emotional over everything… was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious“.
“Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried“- she cared. She listened to you quietly. Her distress expressed itself through crying after listening to you, not through yelling and accusations.
How did your distress express itself? Loudly: yelling, accusing her and trying to manipulate her: “I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’“-
– You accused her of never caring while in your original post, you wrote: “She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time” (original post). You accused her of never caring because you felt hurt, so you wanted to hurt her.
Most recently (yesterday), she still cares: she picked you up at the airport, she listened to you crying, she talked with you about issues, had lunch with you, was nice to you, explained to you that the breakup needs to happen not because there is someone else, but because she felt- feels- emotionally threatened by you.
“I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone.. I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“- try to see that she is hurt too (and has been for a long time), that she is scared too (she might be scared that like her ex, you will have self-harm thoughts as well), and please help her.
Shift your focus during this visit from your pain to her pain, just long-enough to offer her the safety that she needs. Don’t increase her pain; lessen it instead. Once you do that, you will feel better about yourself. You will feel valuable as someone who is able to help another person. I hope this makes sense to you..?
Like you, at times I too yelled and accused, and wanted to hurt another because of unresolved issues in my childhood. It was very difficult for me to confront this self- centered part of myself, a part that had hurt others unjustly. I forgave myself only after I corrected (and keep correcting) wrong behaviors. And after I adequately resolved childhood issues that needed to be resolved, such as growing up with a mother who, like your father, physically abused me and yelled, getting unpredictably extremely angry.
anita
October 8, 2024 at 2:15 pm #438611CutieJParticipantHi everyone, I wanted to give a quick update to what’s been going on, as I greatly appreciated your time and care to help me navigate through this breakup.
On the third day I arrived to her city, we had the biggest fight. It was her company field day, and with her team dinner and everything she said that she was going to be late. I already knew about that before, so I went to work (I can work in any location if there’s an office), enjoyed the day exploring the city, got a bus to go back and got off at some stores, and went back home late. I had a really fun conversation with my Uber driver, and came home a bit past 8PM.
She said that the event was over at 4:30 and went to the restaurant at 5PM, so I asked her if she was still there. She didn’t reply and like 30 minutes later, I called her and she didn’t pick up. I knew something was going on, because when she is lying she will not pick up her phone and not check the message. About another 30 minutes later, she said that she was still at a restaurant and she will be back at maybe 9:30PM. I turned on her iPad and checked where she was, and she was at someone’s apartment.
At that moment, I think the main emotion I felt wasn’t even sadness. I was, extremely exhausted. Yes, I did feel a bit lonely and anxious throughout the day, but I was taking care of my emotions well, and at the end of the day, I was feeling happy and energetic. Then, she goes and completely ruins my mood – it still felt bad to feel betrayed, even though I was here to “discuss breakup”. When she came back, we didn’t discuss, and before going to sleep, she suddenly said that she lied.
She said the company event was over at 2PM, but she went to colleague A’s house with colleague B, stayed there until they went to dinner (it wasn’t even a team dinner), and went back and stayed there longer. She always hangs out with colleague A and B (when I wasn’t here, she played tennis and went to have dinner several times with them), and they were even in the same team in the event. She made up the whole timeline, just because she knew that I wouldn’t like it.
No wonder I don’t like it, not only she never introduced me to them, but she didn’t tell them that she was in a relationship, and she didn’t tell them that I was in town, staying at her place. I was a complete no one to them (or her, honestly).
I told her some nasty things. I told her that I already knew, and I didn’t confront her because it’s a waste of time. I don’t want to care, because you are not my problem anymore. Do whatever you want, hope you can take a breath, and I don’t feel sad that you did this to me, but I feel sad that I let someone like you to come into my life. Friend or not, I don’t care, go sleep with one or the other, you just carry on your pathetic life.
She said sorry, but I was so angry and I went outside. After I came back, I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame (it was styrofoam) in front of her. She suddenly became angry too, and she started picking things up and putting them in the plastic bag to throw away. I stopped her, and she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV. I tried to make her say anything, but she looked away to not make any eye contact and froze and shut down. I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself, and told me, “Lying to your partner, is not love. Throwing things at your partner, is not love.” (I want to make clear that nothing I/her did damaged anything or person. I am not minimizing my wrongdoings, but we have similar strengths and I didn’t create a situation where there’s an absolute power difference. I admit that I created a fearful situation, and I regret it so much.)
I don’t know how things got settled down, but eventually we broke off, and the night passed. After this, we just had a good time. We went to eat, went to arcade that we used to go a lot, laughed a lot. I didn’t ask anything further, and she didn’t say anything further. I did once ask her if she didn’t tell them was because we are going to break up, and she said yes.
Yesterday, when we were taking a shower together, she asked me if she can go play tennis with her colleagues on Thursday night. I leave on Friday. I don’t know. I said she can. But now, I just don’t know.
Today when I was working, I thought about all the things that happened. She tried, I tried, she loved me, and I loved her. But she just couldn’t care if I was hurt or not, when it comes to the time that she wanted to do something. I wasn’t someone who crazily stalked on my partner, that’s how I was so oblivious about the ex situation for two months, because I didn’t even bother to look at her phone once. I just thought, whether I want it or not, this habit of doubting my partner will be with me forever to some extent, because she was someone I thought I could trust the most, and that trust was broken, so many times.
Every time she broke my trust, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. No reason to live. I felt worthless, and that no one cared about me. That’s why I told her that all the time. Because I felt like she didn’t care about me at all. Maybe someone who hurt and broke me was my dad and my mom, the world, but she also broke me into pieces. She wanted some time off because she needed to breathe, but during this whole relationship, I was collecting the broken pieces of mine, by myself, to hold on to this, and fix us. But she just wants to give up and move on, when it’s not her way.
She gave me the world. But to receive that world, I needed to give up on myself. I had to be ok being lied to, I had to ignore her ex’s pain, I had to be okay with my ex not even trying to go to one therapy, I had to be okay with her not posting me on her social media when her Instagram had a lot of pictures of her ex, and I had to be okay with never getting answers or conversations.
But I was never ok. As much as I am terrified to break up, I want to be ok now.
The time is coming. Maybe I still want it to come a bit late. Just until we try one more restaurant, we have one more laugh, we do one more stupid thing together.
I am accepting the fact. She will still pick me up today after work, eat with me, and go to sleep together. But I know she would rather spend this time with other people, and she is waiting for me to leave and be gone. That’s okay.
October 8, 2024 at 3:04 pm #438613anitaParticipantDear CutieJ:
I am so sorry she lied to you again, I wish she didn’t. It was wrong for her to do so. There are wrongdoing on her part, no doubt. And the relationship is toxic and needs to end as soon as possible.
“I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame (it was Styrofoam) in front of her… she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV… I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself… After this, we just had a good time. We went to eat, went to arcade that we used to go a lot, laughed a lot… Yesterday, when we were taking a shower together, she asked me if she can go play tennis with her colleagues on Thursday night. I leave on Friday…She will still pick me up today after work, eat with me, and go to sleep together“-
– this reminds me of a movie titled Sleeping with the Enemy.
Playing at the arcade, laughing, taking a shower and sleeping together after breaking, punching, shaking and pointing scissors at the other? Does the fighting, the breaking, punching, scissors etc., serve as foreplay for her.. for you?
I am asking because I am trying to understand. I can see now that part of your pain is indeed her doing, and that this relationship is sick. I wish this relationship ends sooner than later, and that you’d be on your journey of personal healing.
Please, no more breaking, no more violence of any kind! Keep yourself and her safe, and be strong!
anita
October 8, 2024 at 8:59 pm #438619HelcatParticipantHi CutieJ
It sounds like the lying has become a massive trigger for you after everything that has happened. It’s true that you have been through so much both in your home life and in the relationship. I’m sorry to hear that she lied to you again.
Considering your reaction to the lie. I’m surprised that she told you about it. Some people lie when they are afraid of others. It sounds like she is afraid of the way you react. This is something to work on in therapy because it sounds like some abusive behaviours got normalized for you at home. This means that you learned them and don’t see how damaging you are. It wasn’t your fault that you were brought up in an abusive home, but as an adult you have a responsibility to undo the damage that was caused to yourself by your parents. This will help you to have healthy relationships in the future.
Lying is not okay. Checking someones location is not okay. Throwing things is not okay. Breaking things is not okay. Throwing things away is not okay. Stopping someone is not okay. Punching things is not okay. Trying to force someone to talk is not okay. Shaking someone is not okay. Threatening your partner with scissors is not okay. No one should be afraid for their safety in a relationship.
Locking herself in a cupboard and shutting down are trauma responses. She was afraid for her safety. I can tell that you regret it. But you need to understand the gravity of the situation because you currently don’t fully understand it. It is good that you are doing your best to be honest with yourself about your mistakes. This means that you can learn to control them.
If you are angry to the point of these things you should have left the relationship a long time ago. It is the healthy thing to do. You need to learn to protect yourself in a healthy way and leave these harmful relationships behind when you come across them. You deserve to be treat with respect and honoured and valued.
She is right, these things aren’t love. Love means treating each other with respect. Things like this are part of why she is breaking up with you.
It good to hear that you both managed to put the bad argument behind you and try to have a nice time. I think that going to her friends the day before you leave whilst it doesn’t feel good, it’s a good idea. You are breaking up. You both need a bit of space to process that before it finally happens. Try to honour her request even though it is hard.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
October 9, 2024 at 9:33 am #438630anitaParticipantDear CutieJ:
Your father used to come back home late and abuse you physically and verbally: “My father physically abused us and yelled profanities when he came back home late after drinking or when he got extremely angry. I was always so afraid at night when he was coming home late, and we could never expect when he was going to (get) pissed off“.
A few days ago, someone else came back home late and you abused her physically and verbally: “she said that she was still at a restaurant and she will be back at maybe 9:30PM… I told her some nasty things… I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame… she started picking things up and putting them in the plastic bag to throw away. I stopped her, and she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV. I tried to make her say anything, but she looked away to not make any eye contact and froze and shut down. I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself“-
– to defend herself: she used scissors, you wrote, not to attack you, but to defend herself from your abuse.
Your abuse of her (above quote) included things you could be arrested for, if police were called: (1) when you broke her picture frame and destroyed, or tried to destroy other property (ex., punching her TV), you could have been arrested and charged with Malicious destruction of property (or the like) a crime which a person willfully and maliciously destroys, damages, or defaces someone else’s property.
When she was picking up the pieces of her property (which you broke and/ or threw around in her home), and you stopped her, that’s another crime: Unlawful restraint which happens when one person knowingly and intentionally restrains another person without that person’s consent and without legal justification.
When you were physically shaking her body, that’s the crime of Battery: the intentional, unlawful touching of another person, with the intent to harm, annoy, injure or offend, and Assault: intentionally placing someone in fear that they will be physically harmed or experience offensive contact.
I understand that you often feel anxious, hurt, betrayed, and terrified to breakup (title of your thread), and I hope that you heal and feel better soon. But while you feel anxious, hurt, terrified, etc., please do not abuse her anymore: Feeling Badly is No Excuse to Abuse.
My mother felt hurt by me even though I didn’t hurt her. It’s called Emotional Reasoning when you believe something is true simply because you feel that it’s true. Feeling hurt, she felt justified to hurt me in return. I was terrified of her.
You shared that you yelled at her (R), said nasty things to her, restrained her, shook her, broke and tried to break her property, but you didn’t mention any such abuses by her against you. Did she do any such things to you?
You shared about her: “She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled…She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up“- her parents cried and yelled and threatened her a lot, her parents controlled her.
You shared that she lied to you 3 times. Do you think that she lied to you because at times she’s afraid, maybe terrified of you, and feeling controlled by you, while at other times, she shuts down, and yet, at other times she rebels against your control by spending time with her colleagues, lying about it, and having refused to acknowledge you as her partner on social media?
anita
October 9, 2024 at 9:51 am #438631RobertaParticipantDear Cutie J
Before you traveled to see your GF you knew in your heart of hearts that she wanted out of the relationship long distance or not.
Of course we only have a snapshot of the relationship to base our comments on. As she is not writing here, there has to be some supposition going on about her motives & feeling. Her previous relationship was an emotional minefield for her due to her partners suicidal tendencies. Your issues put her into yet another minefield, she must have breathed a huge sigh of relief when you moved to another city. Of course it is possible that there is some kind of co-dependancy going on as well.
Your violent out burst in her home ( which should be her safe space) had her locking herself in a closet and brandishing a pair of scissors for protection. Afterwards she just tried to keep herself safe by trying to keep things both on an even keel and also grabbed the opportunity to be out of your presence by going to play tennis until you left.
Moving forward it is in your power to seek professional help to heal the damage that was caused from your childhood onwards & not pursue another relationship until things are well on the way to have been successfully resolved thus reducing the chances of a co-dependency arising.
Roberta
October 10, 2024 at 9:36 am #438659CutieJParticipantHi everyone, first thank you again for leaving thoughtful comments. I really appreciate you guys taking your time to help me clearly see the situation and guide me through this hard time. I read over them multiple times, and by looking at my actions in visible texts, I once again realized that I crossed the line, I hurt her, and I cannot go back. All the things I could be arrested for, I understood the seriousness. I do want to say that the picture frame I broke was styrofoam, and I couldn’t even punch the TV that well, but I really understand that’s not what it matters. Maybe my dad thought the same way too, that it wasn’t that serious, when he broke things – when all those moments I felt scared, sad, and helpless.
I’ll be honest with you, even though I understand the gravity of my behavior and I regret it so much, everything sucks. It just feels very bad. I was so hurt, and now I am the abuser. At this moment, I admit that I am not even trying to be a responsible person, because I am too exhausted of everything. When everything was not going as how I wanted or expected, I should’ve left. But instead I chose anger and violence, to control the situation.
Some people mentioned that I knew she wanted to leave the relationship, but I didn’t. In the summer, we even went to each other’s countries, talked about our future, and before her last lie, we had our one year anniversary. We fought often, but I thought we were going somewhere. She always held my hand tight whenever we were walking together. When I realized that the two months she wanted was to prepare her and me for the breakup, I felt devasted.
I’ve been in therapy for a long time and I still meet my therapist once a week. I had stopped therapy like two years ago, but started again when I started dating her, because I felt like I couldn’t handle my emotion. One thing that hurt me the night we fought, I once again mentioned that she promised me to go to therapy after her first lie (about her ex) and she didn’t, and she said, “Yeah? And how many times did you go to therapy? Like 100 times? Did that fix you?”
During the three weeks I had by myself, I cried in the bus, at work, wrote journal every moment, and walked three hours to stay sane. I couldn’t fall asleep, and every moment I woke up I felt like the reality hit me and stabbed me in my heart. I just couldn’t understand why someone would hug me one day and didn’t want to see me at all starting the next day. Every breath I took hurt.
When I finally said I will go to her city to collect my things, I knew I had to accept the truth, but I blamed her for not loving me, and not being straightforward about that with me. I think that emotion exploded the day she lied to me again just to hang out with two other girls. My mind was constantly in a chaos, a minefield, and I blamed her for creating this situation and wanting to escape. I know the only person who can cause a chaos in my mind is myself, but now I just want to give up the whole thought process.
The reason we didn’t discuss anything further was because she doesn’t want to discuss heavy topics or a breakup. Not only now, I always had to pry information out of her every time we had to discuss something rather serious. I apologized and I asked one or two other questions on other occasions, but she didn’t answer, and now I just accept them as answers. After accepting the breakup, we had a nice, comfortable, and funny time. Today she is going to play pickleball with her colleagues, and I just want to get through the day without any problem.
Tomorrow is the day I leave. I am scared. still.
I work out regularly, I meditate, I write my journals all the time, talk to close people, take a walk, try to grow hobbies, but honestly, I always feel like I’m broken, both physically and mentally. I want to give up. I am not suicidal, I just want to give up. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this hot mess, and I can just live a happy and normal life.
Thank you for reading.
October 10, 2024 at 10:25 am #438660anitaParticipantDear CutieJ:
You are welcome.
“I do want to say that the picture frame I broke was Styrofoam, and I couldn’t even punch the TV that well, but I really understand that’s not what it matters”- you mentioned what I boldfaced because it does matter to you. You wouldn’t have mentioned these if it didn’t matter to you.
“Maybe my dad thought the same way too, that it wasn’t that serious, when he broke things – when all those moments I felt scared, sad, and helpless“- maybe he broke things, material things, not as badly as other people break things, but he broke his daughter’s heart badly, didn’t he?
When you broke the picture frame, it didn’t hurt the feelings of the frame, Styrofoam or not; it hurt the feelings of the person watching you breaking the frame. It hurt the person you wanted to hurt.
“One thing that hurt me the night we fought, I once again mentioned that she promised me to go to therapy after her first lie (about her ex) and she didn’t, and she said, ‘Yeah? And how many times did you go to therapy? Like 100 times? Did that fix you?’“- well, she had a point. Maybe you need a different therapist, one who will help you fix certain behaviors?
“My mind was constantly in a chaos, a minefield, and I blamed her for creating this situation“- you haven’t yet taken responsibility for your behaviors (misbehaviors, that is).
“Today she is going to play pickleball with her colleagues, and I just want to get through the day without any problem“- if there are problems today, please don’t be the one creating them.
“Tomorrow is the day I leave. I am scared. still. I work out regularly, I meditate, I write my journals all the time, talk to close people, take a walk, try to grow hobbies, but honestly, I always feel like I’m broken, both physically and mentally. I want to give up. I am not suicidal, I just want to give up. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t this hot mess, and I can just live a happy and normal life. Thank you for reading.“- you are welcome. Time to heal your broken heart. Time to no longer continue your father’s legacy of Rage and Abuse.
Did you ever express, in therapy, anger at your father? Are you in contact with your father, numb to your anger at him.. while re-directing your anger to her, to your current or former (?) girlfriend?
anita
October 10, 2024 at 2:40 pm #438661HelcatParticipantHi CutieJ
I can explain a bit for you about the effects of breaking things. As you said, the picture frame was a gift, so there is an emotional element to breaking it. It is not just giving it back to her, it’s destroying it. Also, with any violence during a disagreement even towards objects carries a threat of violence towards the person witnessing it because the person is out of control. It could happen to them next. And in this case it did, you shook her.
I understand that it hurts to think about. That is where a touch of denial comes in to soften the blow. You have made mistakes, but you can learn from them.
I’m sorry to hear that your father had a tendency to break things when he was angry in your childhood. That must have been very hard for you.
Therapy takes a long time for the kind of trauma you have. If you think about it, for how long did you live with these difficulties going on around you? It takes time to undo that. You are open to seeing the harm caused by your actions shows your willingness to reflect. You haven’t been defensive about it. You have been remorseful.
Personally, I feel like she was being cruel and mocking you about your therapy. Just because therapy takes time doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth doing. Her unwillingness to go to therapy is more about her unwillingness to change than it is about you.
You have a good level of insight into the reasons behind your actions (likely because of your therapy). You mentioned feeling tired of everything before the violence started. In the future, learning to take a break can be helpful to calm down.
I truly believe that you can overcome the unhealthy behaviours that you learned in your childhood. I know that you don’t want to be like this. Stick in therapy contrary to your ex, I do believe that you have had some benefits from it.
The reason why someone can hug you one day and not do that the next day is ultimately that they are feeling hurt.
She doesn’t want to discuss heavy things because she is afraid of fighting again.
You are still young. Honestly, healing does take time. A normal, happy life sounds like a great goal.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
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