Dear Helcat:

Thank you for the Always being just for me, it makes me feel special.

Three posts ago, you wrote: “I’m not upset. You haven’t done anything wrong. You have been kind and helpful“- if this was my mother’s message for me, my life would have been something very different: a life spent living, thriving instead of a life spent dying, withering (isolated, depressed, troubled, dysfunctional).

I wanted to understand better the situation between you and your husband, so I went back  and came across something you shared back on to May 25, 2022: “I had an argument with my husband… My pattern is to feel defensive, explain that I’m hurt and how to improve feedback in the future. I seek reassurance from my husband that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings… I am hyper-vigilant, looking for signs of abuse… Now that I’m aware of the specific trigger I can remind myself that the situation is different. I’m safe, loved and not going to be physically abused because I didn’t do something perfectly“.

Recently, Sept  28, 2024: “My feelings get hurt sometimes and my husband can tell even when I don’t say anything about it. And he wants to talk about it and I don’t and that makes him angry that I don’t want to talk to him about it… I have just been shutting down at the slightest hint of conflict… he is hurt by me withdrawing. And he acts out when he’s hurt“.

Oct 12, 2024: “My husband gave me permission to do what I need to do to regulate my emotions. It’s basically the break situation again. He didn’t want me to do it before because he was afraid I was trying to end the relationship. He’s not taking me putting boundaries in place very well“- as I understand it (another vastly sleepless night significantly slows down my thinking), you needing time for yourself (time-out) when you feel hurt/ triggered is the right thing for you to do: for yourself and for him, for the relationship. Unfortunately, he feels threatened by your healthy coping mechanism (time-out)/healthy  boundary setting, and feeling about-to-be-abandoned, distressed, he acts out (.. how?)

Your trigger has been the thought that he meant to hurt your feelings/ that he may be abusing you, and his trigger is the thought that you may be abandoning him. So, his pattern has been to pursue connection with you just when you need a break from connection (time-out).

And when he pursues a connection with you while you need time-out, he further distresses you.

Psychology today/5 Ways That Fear of Abandonment Threatens Relationships: “Many with fears of abandonment also have an insecure attachment style, where they may become anxious, avoidant, or vacillate between both extremes, especially when their fears surface… Having a fear of being abandoned can wreak havoc on a person’s romantic relationships, where they can come off as ‘clingy’ or become possessive or manipulative as ways of trying to prevent their inevitable fears from surfacing…

“While there are many ways a fear of abandonment may show up in a person’s romantic relationships, five of the most common ones include: 1. Difficulty letting others in. Many who have experienced abandonment in their formative years have built up emotional walls to keep others out…

“What is feared the most is also the antidote for overcoming a fear of abandonment, which is to be comfortable being alone. Many with deep fears of abandonment cannot be alone. Time alone may trigger an inner critic or may spiral a person into self sabotage…  In healing from this pattern, it becomes necessary to face your past and recognize where these kinds of wounds started and how they have affected your life…”

If I understand correctly, that his Fear of Abandonment gets triggered by you shutting down and needing time-out, I wonder if he’s working on this fear in individual therapy.

anita