Hello Anita

I am good, thank you for always checking on me 🙂

Thanks for digging out this post. Because of this I re-read this thread. I realized, my ex has not changed at all. The initial perception of her, not able to be completely honest, emotionally unavailable, actually still existed by the time we broke up. When I read how I wrote what happened then, It sounds like that ‘I’ was more assertive, clear-headed and probably more in-tune my heart. I was in a better state when I was not dating her!

She probably did open up a bit in between, but that was not long lasting. That was not her. She did it because of me, becuase i wanted clarity, because I wanted more answers/ connectedness from her. It was not a change that came from herself.

A couple of things happened these days. I dreamed of her breaking up with me twice in the past two weeks, it got me upset for a while, as if my process went backwards. I have been visiting shelters to really want to see if i could adopt a cat or a dog. I started my 10k running plan again. I managed to do headstand which i wanted to do for a while, but didn’t really put effort or engaged in training before my break up. I registered for volunteering.

The other day I bought my ex a tin of Garrett popcorn and put it in the yoga studios that we go, since the stores are closing in my city. She likes this store very much. I didn’t think too much before I bought this, Initially I thought i wanted to have some sort of process(don’t know, may be talk again?) with this gesture, but later on i realized i don’t need it, or may be i don’t even want it.  I do want her to feel happy or appreciatve towards this, but, she doesn’t need to talk to me. I am happy that she felt happy(which she said so and was thankful for). After that, I felt that I have let go of something, coz i realize, I really don’t need to talk to her.

Regarding  your last post about my fear of being ‘stuck’. I did ponder on it a bit, i think there is a differnce between getting stuck with something i didn’t like / didn’t choose vs I did. For now, I am choosing my own life so I should be happy sticking with it/them. i did feel a bit loosen up afterwards, which lead me to proceed with my adoption.

This weekend, I am going to meet with a new person whom i met in a course that i attended a few weeks ago.It was a rainy day and we were outdoor, she approached me with her umbrealla coz i was only wearing raincoat(which was not enough under such heavy rain), that got us start talking, i asked her to see if she wanted to hike another time and she quickly said yes.

I found her really caring, she asked when i usually wake up so as to decide when we should meet, she is the one who suggested all the restaurants and let me choose. it’s a very different feeling from my ex whom I need to lead a bit more at times. I felt warm and taken care of somehow. I am unsure if she is gay or not, but it definitely feels good to meet a new friend who gives you positive energy. This time I will remember the qualities that i am looking for, honesty, monogamy, straghtforwardness. Let’s see if this goes anywhere.

Have a great morning on your side

Clara