Dear Calm Moon:

You are welcome!  “I don’t understand why people behave like this. I thought I was going crazy because she behaves as a nice person generally. Are they traumatized?“- let’s look at her behaviors (the boldfaced are your words): She interrupts you when you are trying to concentrate on your work. She constantly wants to chat and complains a lot. She constantly messaged you throughout the days when you were on sick leave, asking you when you’d be back to work. When you were sent to courses in regard to work, she constantly asked you, in a very rude way, to attend the courses.

She is generally too intrusive, too controlling and non-negotiable. She appears to be open to others’ ideas, but in the end, she pushes her ideas. She supported you when you wanted to advocate for a higher salary for yourself, but in the end, she discouraged you from doing that. She behaves as a nice person generally, she seems to be friendly, but many of her actions and words don’t align.

Seems to me that she is stressed/ anxious, impulsive, needy, self- centered and lacking integrity (consistency, reliability): appearing nice, listening and accommodating and then shifting to acting pushy and aggressive.

Her compulsive, excessive talking and messaging may be a result of severe anxiety, ADHD, Bipolar disorder (excessive talking during manic episodes), substance  abuse, some other cause or a combination of causes.

Can I help somehow?“- it is kind of you to think of helping the person around whom you feel suffocated and exhausted. Did she ever complain to you about her own thoughts/ feelings/ behaviors bothering her (or does she always complain about other people’s behaviors bothering her)?

“I will try to minimize my communication with this person. I really want to get another position and try to minimize my interaction. What kind of advice would you give in such situation?“- when I read your original post yesterday, the thought that first occurred to me was: get another position! Minimizing and better, avoiding any communication with her is best.

My mother (she was divorced since I was 6 or so and functioned pretty much as a single mother) suffered from severe anxiety/ stress and she talked A LOT. When she was at home, home was a TALKING a LOT Torture Chamber (TLTC, if you will, lol). Her excitable, going up and down, on and on, fast paced, non-stop talking was like a gun pointed at me and releasing a barrage of bullets. Bullets that were not fatal, but they damaged my brain nonetheless (I was later diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, OCD, Major Depression, and other mental health disorders). Not only her Talking-a-lot damaged my brain, but the content of her talking as well, which carried this strong message: I am Good. Everyone is Bad and trying to Hurt me. You, anita, are Bad, and you are trying to hurt me!  She then proceeded to punish me for my alleged (untrue) intent and plans to hurt her, by calling me names, shaming me at great lengths, guilt-tripping me at great lengths and hitting me.

She was also nice to me: buying me toys and clothes and school supplies, always feeding me with tasty, expensive foods. I remember her taking the bus and walking a lot just so to get me my favorite marzipan cake. What motivated her? Guilt (which she never expressed verbally)? Affection? I don’t know. I do know that I would rather eat the simplest, most inexpensive foods and have minimal 2nd hand clothing and toys than be a subject to abuse. But the combination of niceness and abuse confused me for decades. I would have been better off (once I no longer lived with her) if she was only abusive. Confusion blocks healing.

Once I was a teenager, I read psychology books and tried to help her by sharing what I read with her and giving her advice but my success rate was zero. Many years later, after decades of failed efforts to help her (financially as well), I realized that she helped herself to me already by relieving her stress through talking to and abusing me.

Back to your manager: when she constantly wants to chat and complains a lot to you, she is helping herself to you, transferring her stress to you, and in so doing, experiencing temporary relief. She lowers her stress level and increases yours. Increased stressed on an ongoing basis leads to depression and exhaustion: “It sucks energy out of me…  I feel depressed and suffocated around her“. This is a Win (temporary, for her)- Lose (long- term, for you) relationship.

“Thank you for your warm words about my loss. It changed the whole world for me and I was turned upside down inside. I found that grief is a full time job.“-again, you are welcome  and I am sorry for your loss. If (and only if) it may help you to share more, please do.

anita