Somehow the original post disappeared. I am resubmitting it here:

There is a common belief that suffering from childhood abuse is a choice—that an adult either decides to “hold onto it” OR “move on” and “let go.” Some see prolonged emotional pain as a failure of resilience or strength, assuming that healing is simply a matter of willpower.

Why this belief exists:

* Lack of Understanding of Trauma – Many people don’t realize how deeply childhood abuse affects the brain, body, and emotions, often for a lifetime. Trauma isn’t just a memory—it’s wired into the nervous system, shaping a person’s emotional responses, relationships, and sense of self. It cannot simply be “let go of” by deciding to do so.

* Societal Narratives About Strength – “Moving on” is often glorified as proof of strength, while struggling with pain is wrongly viewed as weakness. In reality, working through trauma is an ongoing process—not a switch to flip off.

* Discomfort with Emotional Depth – People who haven’t experienced deep trauma may not understand its lasting effects. They may feel frustrated or helpless when someone continues to suffer, leading them to judge rather than empathize.

The reality of healing:

* Healing is not a choice—it’s a process. Trauma creates neurological and psychological wounds that cannot be erased with pure effort.

* Telling someone they “choose” to suffer dismisses their reality and can make them feel shame for struggling with pain that wasn’t their fault to begin with.

* Blaming survivors deepens their pain and often prolongs their suffering—empathy supports healing far more than judgment ever could.

* Trauma recovery is complex. Some wounds resurface even after years of therapy, and healing is never linear—it requires time, safety, and sometimes professional support.
Reframing the Narrative:

* Survivors do not “choose” to stay stuck. More often than not, they are working incredibly hard to heal, even if it isn’t visible to others.

* Acknowledging the impact of trauma does not mean someone is “dwelling” or “refusing to move on”—it means they are recognizing their pain so they can heal from it.

* Healing happens at its own pace—not on a timeline set by others who don’t fully understand the experience.

* Healing is not about flipping a switch—it’s about rewiring old wounds, creating safety, and finding stability in new ways.
How to Respond to Misguided Beliefs:

*If someone says, “You’re choosing to suffer,” reframe: “I’m working through layers of healing, and that takes time.”

* Trauma is not a reflection of weakness—struggling with it does not mean you’ve failed.

* Strength isn’t about “getting over it” quickly—it’s about continuing to show up for yourself, even when healing feels messy.

* If someone minimizes your pain, it’s okay to distance yourself or assert your needs: “I need support, not judgment. My healing is valid.”

* Surrounding yourself with people who respect your journey is crucial.

Letting Go, what it really means:

* Letting go isn’t about erasing trauma—it’s about learning to live with it in a way that doesn’t control you. Instead of trying to force healing, ask:

“How can I create safety, self-compassion, and peace within myself today?”

** Your healing belongs to you—not to those who tell you how quickly you should move on or what suffering “should” look like. You are already moving forward simply by acknowledging your wounds and working to understand them 💙

anita