It is working for me, it is healing me, these stream of consciousness writings in the evenings.

– Trigger Warning; Insanity, Abuse.

I remember very well saying to myself when I was in my late teens or early 20s, that if I get to live one day without guilt, then my life would be worth it.

The guilt I referred to was the guilt over destroying my mother’s life. I was sure that I did because she told me so, she showed me so- crying and wailing and complaining histrionically, endlessly, about how I hurt her. She showed me her wrists that one time, or maybe more than one time, telling me that’s where she’d cut herself and bleed to death.. because of me.

I remember very well walking with her on the street and her threatening to jump in front of a truck and get herself killed.. because of me, because I said something wrong.

Fast forward to today, I understand that I was not guilty after all, no matter how many times she told me that I was.

It feels good, a relief, a huge burden off me.

I wish she didn’t guilt-trip me, and doing so massively, frequently, heavily. My life would have been so much better for it.

Oh, the shame too. If she didn’t shame me so thoroughly.. my life would have been so much better for it.

Shackled by shame and guilt didn’t make for a good life.

It’s a lot of loss, lots of life unlived. Life others lived. Not me.

It’s hard for me still to believe that my own mother had it in her to knowingly hurt me and enjoy it- that mild but undeniable smile on her face after she shot some especially spicy shaming words at me.

And yet, I loved her all along.

This is My Truth, My Story.

I am not Get Over it. I am going through it.

anita