Laura,

Wow, that’s amazing! Consider that you have such a strong heart, to be able to so quickly peel away from old hurt and blame and take responsibility for your troubled feelings. How refreshing that makes it, how empowering! Said differently, now that we’re looking inward, we have something we can actually do, change we can grow. Namaste, Laura-buddha.

Consider that you are a very passionate person, your emotions vibrant, deep. When he dragged you to work, on his day off, its not exactly a surprise floral arrangement, right? You want to be with him, and would love to go dancing, and instead he brings you to his work. As this sat with you, perhaps it tugged at some insecurity, and woke up mamma bear. Something funky here, and she sniffed around, and began to growl and roar. Then, instead of a dance next to your loved one, it looked like a series of pokes and prods, proof that he’s an asshole, uncaring, ignoring. Mamma bear is a protector, wanting to keep home safe, warm, fun. But when she gets spooked, yeehaw, those claws can really rip and shred.

Consider a different view… when you begin to notice you’re agitated, try to breathe with it. When you were in the car, for instance, and mamma bear was waking up, gathering steam, perhaps if you had breathed “come on mamma bear, let’s do this with gentleness”, and opened up to him, perhaps it would have made sense what he was doing. Was he just trying to get more work done? Was he proud of his work and wanted you to see? Did he want to show off his woman? What were his goals, desires?

Then, you can bring your light, your passion and desire with more stability. Said differently, when we have the space to wish for their desires and our desires to be met, we can try to see everyone happy. For instance, if he wanted to work, and you wanted some ice cream, if you both lay them out there, express the desires, you guys can choose. Maybe just ice cream, maybe just work, maybe one then the other, or whatnot. Sometimes for him, sometimes for you, but either met together, with patience. Metta helps keep that space open, for the record, making our heart strong, resilient.

For helping him open his emotions, become more expressive with his feelings, consider asking him for them. Give him yours, and ask for his in response. For instance “I feel afraid I’ve lost your interest, when you look at me, what do you find beautiful?” At first, it might feel like fishing for assurance, but its the truth, and what you want, so why obscure it? Instead, invite him to flatter you, to sing to you his poetry. And whatever comes, listen, and accept it. It may be a scribble, it may be too “oh, hot body” or “because you cook for me”… but that’s what you’re helping ripen, so accept his attempts in the spirit he gives them. And, reward him for his efforts. Grab him and kiss him, express back in whatever feels right. He’s trying, and loves you… plus, just because he doesn’t know how to sing well, doesn’t mean that you don’t raise his body to song with your passion. Its just a communication issue, and as with many relationships, the woman has to take the lead in growing that, help aim it for both of you.

Finally, consider that the 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 building of anger inside you is a lot like foreplay. Neck to wrist to lips to eyes, passion builds. This is why communication is so necessary, because hot relationships can easily cause blistering. You get used to grabbing hands and running, which is a little ouchy when its in different directions.

With warmth,
Matt