PG,

I’m sorry for your suffering, dear friend, and can understand why relationships can be difficult, especially when our role models were a little funky. Or a lot funky. It can leave us with old baggage, habits that stick within us as we see a replay of old movies again and again. They can be overcome, and you already can see the repeating patterns, which is the trickiest part. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that some people are like your dad, throwing tantrums and beating up those weaker than themselves when they get unsettled. Bosses, parents, politicians… people in power sometimes dont use their strength well. That has nothing to do with us, except in our bruises and fears and so forth, the baggage we carry from being beaten on. Setting it down is a matter of patience and forgiveness. Sometimes we wish to hang onto resentment, blame them, fight fire with fire or whatnot, but those emotions are toxic, and unneeded. Like burning our hand on a hot stove, our heart hurts when we become or remain angry.

Instead, what we can do is look deep into our parents, see their imperfections as their own baggage. Consider for instance, how much fun a lot of dads have with their kids. Yours missed out on that,and instead was often agitated, angry, stompy, foolish. And, probably, because of some left over baggage he’s hauling from his own troubled childhood. Said differently, we can look at the people who are (were) abusive much like a being on horseback with little to no control over their reigns. So, they buck and kick and tread on others to their own unfortunate ruin and loss. But, its not realky about us. We are just one bruise on a long series of bruises they give and receive with their world, and thank goodness they came along to show us how not to be. At least we’ve got that… often our abusers don’t! Resting with this helps us detach, and simply work to regrow our side. People fail all the time, even parents, ok, fuck it, what do we do next?

We become the arms around us that we always wish we had. Said differently, we turn toward self nurturing. Consider that your heart has been hurt, dear friend, and needs some tender support to heal. That old pattern, the abuse and all its tendrils, pushes icky emotions into the body. Anger, resentment, greed, fear… all sorts of stuff that you can help yourself let go of. When we get upset, we have to embrace it, give it space to settle, spend some time breathing and letting it pass through us. We don’t wish to hang on to it, it hurts us, but we often don’t take the time to give ourselves the tender hugs we need. We needed them then, and didn’t get enough of them, and we need them now, and don’t give them to ourselves (and others) nearly enough.

Another way of looking at this is like clearing out your old house, so you can choose to decorate it with a fresh perspective. As we breathe, nurture, and let go of the painful thoughts and emotions, bring our mind into the present, breathe some more, etc… we open the space back up inside us, so we can grow what we want to. When we self nurture, such as getting in a bathtub with candles, going for walks alone in nature, appreciating art, listening to soft music, meditating, and so forth, we help our bodies make that space. It is easier to let go of anger, for instance, when we watch a beautiful sunset.

My favorite of these activities is metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of warm and loving friendship that seems to evaporate when a hiccup comes up in our relationships. It may seem like something is broken “out there”, but really, its just old thoughts and emotions have come up and snuffed out our light… the old movie playing again. When we sit and intentionally think friendly thoughts, hold friendly visions and so forth, our mind becomes smooth and peaceful, and we can just sort of ignore the triggers. Sort of like how stepping in a puddle in the summer is a little agitating, but easy enough to keep walking. When the warmth in us fades, its more like a wet foot in winter, demanding our immediate and critical attention. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Finally, I’m deeply sorry on behalf of all fathers for what happened to you. I’m an abuse survivor myself, and know how long those wounds can endure, and how they weaken us, absorb our strength as we hobble on. Have hope, however, because as we heal, all that strength we gained living with the pain becomes free to put to use for the benefit of ourselves and others. Then we become more free and light with each step! 🙂

Namaste, may your winter thaw into a rich and vibrant spring.

With warmth,
Matt