Hi Emma,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I too suffered from binge eating disorder for many years and know what a frustrating and rewarding experience recovery can be.

One thing that struck me about your post was the statement, “I am stuck between wanting to lose weight and wanting to accept myself, both are so conflicting and I just can’t find that middle balance.” I think it is important to remember that your eating disorder is ultimately not about food. Instead, food and body weight are the vehicle through which your relationship with yourself and those around you is manifesting. So it is not really about accepting yourself and gaining weight OR not accepting yourself and losing weight. The real challenge is to accept yourself regardless, to love yourself unconditionally. If you resolve your relationship with yourself and are able to care for yourself regardless of circumstances, you will not need to turn to food to deal with difficult or challenging emotions and circumstances. Accepting yourself is the precursor to managing your eating behavior and establishing a healthy relationship with food and your body. Remember that the thoughts about food and body weight are a mask for deeper issues that your heart is calling you to attend to.

I hope that helps! You are brave and strong and incredibly tenacious. The lessons of your recovery will absolutely enrich your life and the lives of everyone fortunate enough to know you. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

-Julia 🙂