Dear Zita

I think I understand your question. If your partner came on here (for example) he would be offered the advice for self forgiveness and self compassion etc? And quite rightly, why should he have the opportunity for that? The difference here is that your abuser is unlikely to ask for forgiveness as they don’t think they have done anything wrong. They don’t need to be told about self compassion as their life is only about themselves anyway. They get their needs met by taking things out on the people nearest them.

It sounds as if you are in a really low place right now, and like Jasmine, I do think it would be really good if you could reach out for some support, especially if you are thinking of ways in which to harm yourself. That is no route to go down. If you don’t want to visit your doctor, there are lots of confidential lines you can call to talk to someone.

One thing I have done in a similar situation is to write a letter. I know this doesn’t sound particularly revolutionary or helpful on the face of it. Believe me, I had exactly the same reaction. However, the process of writing things down can be really useful. It allows you to really think about the specific things that hurt you and how they made you feel. It allows you to put down exactly what you want to say. It allows you to edit it, so that it really represents what you want truly want to say.

It doesn’t have to be a letter you are ever going to send, you just need to write it. Much of the benefit is in the writing. I took my letter to a friend and read it to them (the friend knew about the situation). It was much harder than I ever imagined. Someone else I know, sat at the top of a hill and read it aloud to no one in particular. I have never felt the need to read it the person it is addressed to, it is enough to have said it and have it written down. I would certainly recommend reading it out loud, rather than just in your head.

The big benefit of this exercise, is that it allows a bit more space in your head. Those thoughts are written down rather than swirling around endlessly. If you suddenly remember something else, you can go back to the letter and add it in rather than having it start a new swirl. It frees your thoughts so that you can start identifying where you go from here.

I wish you all the best and hope you find some useful words on here.